jdeena

Never settle for what is…come tomorrow it will be what was

Tag: relationship

Hot and Cold

So, something that I experience regularly with guys that I meet is this “hot and cold” relationship. You know what I’m talking about. When the guy seeks you out, pursues you relentlessly, makes you take down those walls you’ve built from the last jerk who broke your heart….and then once he’s done ALLLLL that work, he flips. He disappears-POOF!

I can never know what the heck happens at that point. It’s usually about a month or so into the relationship, and I will have just become used to the idea that, yes- maybe I can get married! Maybe there is a guy who really gets me after all! Oh happy day!

But all that is short-lived, because once the guy sees me give in, he changes his mind. This always happens to me, and it is so frustrating. I even ask the guy to PLEASE just be honest with me and let me know if things don’t seem to go the way he was expecting, just so I have the courtesy of a proper breaking-up. No such luck. Maybe because I am so outgoing and opinionated, they fear a really bad confrontation. Either way, they do me the favor of trying to weed out the cowards myself. So thank you.

However, recently, I had a guy actually come back after a month or so and actually apologize- and get this- EXPLAIN why he did what he did! Woah. That’s a bit much to take in. But it was refreshing nonetheless. So here is what happened:

I get a Facebook message of “sorry” and a picture of a bouquet of flowers. I tell him “not accepted.” We go back and forth, and I tell him how hurt I was. I mean, he was showing he was head over heels for me, and then when I was in his city visiting and texted him, he ignored me. It was pretty shocking and disappointing.

So finally, finally, after asking him what happened, he admits it. He was scared. Now, I know we women think of this excuse as a cop-out with most guys. But I am going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He said that he was afraid of me coming into town, him falling even harder for me, and then me leaving. We live about a 7-hour drive apart. We have known each other for about 2 years now. We have stayed in touch this whole time, and he always told me I was the perfect woman for him, but I never believed it. But since I was going to be visiting his city, I wanted to see what was really there, so we made plans. But the plans never happened, because he bailed.

That got me thinking; is this what happened with all the other guys? Did they realize something and were just too afraid to tell me? And if so, why did they feel they couldn’t talk to me about it? Am I a big scary monster? Maybe, and I just don’t know it. However, I still don’t believe that as an excuse. I mean, one of my ex fiances did this same exact thing- no explanation, nothing. But this has become such a habit with guys that I meet that it has started to really grate on me. I mean, give me the courtesy of an explanation at the very least. Don’t I deserve that as a human being?

I don’t usually like to speculate, but sometimes I can figure out why a guy has disappeared, and it’s not always favorable. I just wish I could know what goes on in their head. Do they just wake up one day and say “yea…not in the mood to talk to Jinan. EVER.”? I mean, one guy went from skyping me 3 times a day for 2 weeks straight to not responding to my texts, and deleting me off of social media (which I figure is because he posted a pic with a girl shortly after haha). Another guy went from forcing me to talk on the phone (which I hate) twice a day to not answering my calls the day he didn’t call me on his way to work as usual. Literally: hot and cold.

So, what is it then? Is it me? Or are they not yet ready for a commitment? And if it IS that, then why do they force me to break down my walls and open my mind to a relationship, when they themselves don’t want it? Is it a game then? Do they want to see how many girls they fool into falling for them?

Whatever the case, I now know what could be the excuse, thanks to this latest revelation. Quite possible the guy was scared. Which is a lame excuse, but an excuse nonetheless.

Or, quite possibly (and more believable), he was an ass. Either way, I learned my lesson. The next time a “hot” guy comes charging at me, I’ll be sure to extinguish him with my “cold” heart.

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Stalker Problems

I’m sure you’ve all missed my matchmaking stories….it’s only been a couple weeks after all. Remember the guy in my last post? The one my dad showed me that night I got home from work? Well, I met him. Let me replay our conversation so you can be as uncomfortable as I was.  

Saturday night I was starting to do my closing duties at the restaurant. I had been through the longest day ever. My sister graduated college, but since my dad wanted to attend the ceremony I worked all day. My family was out celebrating all day while I was stuck at work. I couldn’t wait to finish up and head over to my cousin’s house for a small party for my sister.  

At 8:45, this guy walks in. I walk over to the deli, greeting him as I do all my customers. But something seems a bit….off. He’s staring at me, but that’s not what is unsettling. Usually customers will hold eye contact with me until I reach them, but they respond to my greeting as well. This guy, however, did not. He was just staring. So I ask him what I can help him with, and he just leers. I swear, that’s not an exaggeration. He is looking at me the same way I assume I look at food after a day of working hard. Which was how I was feeling at that moment. I was hungry, tired, and in no mood to deal with a creeper.  

Finally, he spoke. “I’m here to get to know you.” I looked at him with fear, disgust, and probably wariness. I said, “um, who are you?” because it seemed like he thought I should know who he was. Which I didn’t.  He then went on to say that he had talked to my dad recently and that my dad had sent him to see me. With every horrifying word that passed his lips, I became angrier with my dad. I was a ball of fury. I looked at the guy and told him that I didn’t know who he was and I had work to do before we closed. He asked my to sit with him for five minutes to talk, and I told him that I didn’t know him so no, I wouldn’t sit with him. All this time, he’s continuing to stare at me in that unsettling way.  

Finally, I told him to leave, because he just didn’t get it. He didn’t even seem fazed- he said that my dad had his number and that I should contact him once I talked to my dad. Yea, sure, whatever buddy. As soon as he left, I called my dad, barely containing my anger. I told him what happened, and he seemed genuinely shocked. He swore he never told the guy to come see me, and that he explained to him that I wasn’t interested and that I was moving in a few weeks. The guy asked what I did in the meantime, and my dad mentioned me working at the restaurant. But my dad SWEARS he never told him to come see me. So that made me even more disturbed by this; the guy basically stalked me. What the hell!  

I was fuming when I got to my cousin’s house, and she asked me what was wrong. So I told her. Her response was that I was harsh and rude, and that I shouldn’t have reacted that way, that the guy was coming in to get to know me and there was nothing wrong with that. She likened it to someone approaching a girl at the Starbucks they frequent. Well, that to me is different, because you have actually interacted with that person over a period of time. You have not stalked them at their place of work and used “I’m here to get to know you” as you’re opening line!  

I called a guy friend of mine that night on my way home and asked him if that was normal behavior. He laughed at first because apparently my story amused him….but once he was done chuckling he agreed that it was unusual and very disturbing for a guy to approach a girl that way. I felt validated in my reaction then, because honestly, it threw me off guard. I don’t mind a guy approaching me; in fact, I’ve had a lot of my customers ask me out after they’ve been in a few times. But their approach has always been respectful and conversational.  

Let’s just hope this guy got the hint and he doesn’t show up again at the restaurant. I kind of have the feeling that he might. And if he does, I can’t be held responsible for what happens. (Kidding. Sort of.)

Too Attractive?

The other day while I was browsing Facebook, I came across a status one of my friend’s had posted. It was a quiz she had taken titled: “Why am I still single?” Her results concluded that she was still single because she was “too perfect.” Out of curiosity, I clicked on the link to see what it would say. The questions were easy to manipulate; that is, if you want it to conclude that you are “too” something or other, you answer it the way you think it should be answered. I was honest in my answers because I really was curious to see what my outcome would be.

The result was: “You are too attractive.”

I laughed.

Not because I don’t think I’m attractive (and I am not conceited by any means but I know I am not ugly), but because how could that be a reason as to why I am still single? I see plenty of pretty people get married or are in a relationship. But then, when I discussed this with a friend of mine the other day, she agreed with the quiz. She told me that many guys are usually intimidated by just ONE of the following: beauty, brains, and independence. The fact that I carry all three intimidates men so that they are afraid to approach me, feeling that they aren’t good enough. I started at her in shock; is that really true? Can a guy be THAT intimidated by my looks? I am constantly getting compliments on my skin, my figure, my smile, my eyes…from both men and women. But to be honest, I get tired of all that attention. It might seem like I am tooting my own horn, but I honestly have never seen myself in that way. Until recently, I always had to win guys over with my personality. They’d tell me I was cute, but that was the extent of it. So what changed?

I’m not sure when it happened, but in the last few years I’ve started not to care. I don’t care about having the perfect figure, I don’t care about looking like the actresses in Hollywood, and I don’t care whether or not people like my style. What I do now is for me, and me alone. I have never changed anything about myself for a guy. And when a guy came along and tried to do that, I kicked him to the curb. So maybe it’s my confidence that has made me so attractive. Maybe it’s the fact that I have fallen in love with myself and I make myself happy that attracts guys to me. I don’t shy away from my imperfections; I embrace them. I treat myself right, I take care of my body, and I find hobbies and interests that stimulate my mind.

So maybe that’s what being attractive means? I’m really not sure. All I know is that this can’t be the excuse for guys to not approach me. How insecure must you feel to be intimidated by looks? I am friendly to everyone; you have an open door to get to know me. I don’t have a “type;” whatever guy matches me intellectually and emotionally is good enough for me. I know there are girls out there who ruin it for the rest of us. A guy has a bad experience with one of them and he is forever scarred. Still, if I’m willing to get back on the proverbial horse, the guy should put forth the same effort.

I’m not sure what else to say. Guys, if you’re waiting for me to become less attractive, you’re going to wait for a while. I am at the peak of my life right now. I am healthy, happy, and loving the relationship I have with myself. They always say if you want to find love, you must first love yourself. So now that I have that accomplished, I’m waiting for the right guy to show up and love me for who I am. And if you think that because I know you are intimidated I will let myself go now, you are sadly mistaken.

This is who I am. Take it or leave it.