jdeena

Never settle for what is…come tomorrow it will be what was

Tag: marriage

New YouTube Channel- Check It Out!

Here is my latest video on my channel: Depreciating Value. Enjoy!

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Women Are Not Your Slaves

It’s been a while, lovely readers. The past few months have been tumultuous, with job searching, interviews, emotional and physical struggles. But I am always assured that coming back home to my blog will make things right in this world. To keep myself occupied (and earn some income) I took a job as a server at this new hookah lounge in Toledo. I went there sometime back in July to write (coincidentally, the last post I have on here), and the owners offered me the job based on my background in restaurant experience and customer service. It’s a fun job, very laid back, and although standing on my feet for 7-9 hours is exhausting, I’ve met some great people.

However, I have also met some not-so-great people, mostly males. Arab males to be exact. So before I took the job, my bosses failed to mention that the majority of their customers are men. Mostly Saudi students from the university nearby, but also men from the community. At first, it didn’t bother me much that these were the majority of my clients. Well, the Saudis bothered me because they don’t tip well (or at all). But slowly, I started to realize certain behaviors from these customers that have since propelled me to speak up even if the time and place isn’t exactly opportune.

For instance, when asked about my status (relationship, of course) most of the males are shocked to hear I am 34 and single. Many will see me work every night and make a comment like “you should find yourself a man and get married so you won’t have to work.” The first time a guy said that, I looked at him and said “why? So I can sit at home with the kids and take care of the house for him while he works?” He said, yes, that life is a much better fit for a woman, and this way she won’t be worrying about living expenses because- lucky her!- she has a man doing it for her. Um, no thanks dude.

There are two types of married men who come into the lounge. The first type are the ones who will hit on the servers even though they make it clear they are married. These guys are scum no matter what anyone says. How dare you defend a man who is married, with children at home, who finds nothing wrong with stepping out on his marriage for the “fun of it?” This one customer actually pointed his ring finger at a server and said “look, I’m married, but I want to take you out after your shift.” She said no, and he kept pursuing it, going as far as leaving her a large tip at the end of the night. I know who he is and who his family is and I could easily shame him in the community, but what good would that do? I’d probably end up being the one who is shamed for exposing him, as that is “unlady-like.” Fuck off.

The other type of married man is the sexist misogynist. These guys come in almost every night and stay until close, hanging out with other married men. They never bring their wives. I know the majority of them and know they are married, so one day I asked a group of them why they don’t ever bring their wives. One replied “we have 4 kids, who else will babysit?” I stared at him in disgust and told him “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize your wife is your babysitter.” He gave me  a dirty look (because God forbid I call him out in front of his friends). The other guy with him told me that his wife goes out with her friends other places, during the day while the kids are in school. So I asked if she ever gets to go out at night, and he said she can’t because they don’t have anyone to watch them and they don’t trust babysitters. When I suggested maybe he could watch his own kids- gasp!- he stared at me blankly, as if the concept was foreign to him.

Another married man calls in on his way home from work for me to get his hookah ready, as he usually only has 45 minutes or so before going home for dinner with his family. The one day he was talking to one of my bosses, and his wife started calling. He groaned and silenced his phone, then started a tirade against his wife, calling her a nag. I was sitting there and looked up from my phone and replied “well maybe she wouldn’t be a nag if you didn’t force her to stay at home with the kids and allowed her a life of her own.” He laughed and said “oh, now look, we have a feminist amongst us!” As if me advocating for women to be something other than an imprisoned housewife is something to be laughed at.  Asshole.

Now, when any of these men tell me that I should get married, I say “why? So I can be like your wives who sit at home with your children, cleaning your house and washing your clothes, just so you can be here smoking for 4 hours while you piss me off with your misogynistic rhetoric? No thanks.” I know a hookah lounge is probably not the best place to argue my feminist points, but when this is all I see every day, I can’t help it. It’s an uncomfortable feeling when one of these men tells me a hookah lounge is no place for a woman, but they have no problem with me serving them or them looking down our other server’s blouse.

They want to be hailed for keeping their women at home and “protected” from men just them; men who will ogle and harass the few women who do enter the lounge. Men who seem to have an opinion on everything I do: smoking hookah, living away from home, being single, and not wanting kids. They want to “fix” me; they want me to be just like the women in their lives. Why? Because I scare them with my decisiveness and independence. I talk back; I fight. I make it clear that the lives they have provided for their wives hold no interest for me. I’d rather be working 48 hours a week, exhausted and weary, driving my old car and living with roommates, than live in their mansions and drive their luxury cars with a diamond as big as a pistachio as a center stone.

The talk I hear about women from the men who come in either show them as sexual conquests or their domestic employee. But women are not your damn slaves; we were not created to do things FOR you. Unfortunately so many women feel as if they have no choice because of the way they were raised. So what we need now is a revolution, one where women will start shutting down these men and their ideas of what it means to be a woman in this world. Only then will men start to realize that we will no longer be silent in the face of their sexism and misogyny.

Online Dating Woes, Part 2

So last week I joined another dating website. I figure that I need to try all avenues before truly giving up on ever finding a partner. So, I filled out my profile, writing about my passions, my activism, my writing. I filled out all of the categories. I put together a really great profile, if I do say so myself. Of course, I did add a few pictures, as I personally loathe it when someone has one grainy photo of himself.

Imagine my surprise when almost every single message I received was about my looks. And they weren’t even clever openers. For example:

TypicalGuy1 (not his real screen name): You look gorgeous.

Me: That’s because I am. Anything else in my profile catch your attention?

TypicalGuy1: To be honest your shirt that has your country’s flag.

Me: Ok…anything else you READ in my profile not related to my pictures catch your attention?

TypicalGuy1: Why? Do I have a quiz?

Me: Well, if the only thing that prompted you to contact me was my looks, then I’m not interested. I have more to offer than my looks.

I have yet to hear back from him.

WHY? Why is it that with everything I have to offer, my looks are what drive men to contact me? Oh, I know, initially something has to prompt you to want to talk to someone, but I would hope that after my looks, reading my profile and seeing all that I do would be more of an incentive to want to talk to me. What I really want to say when a guy tells me “you’re so hot” or “wow you’re gorgeous” is “yea, I know.” Because I do know. I am not being conceited. I know I have good looks. And enough people have said it that over the years I’ve started believing it. But that is NOT what I want to be known for.

The other thing that annoys me are the questions about my virginity. Why is it that every single guy just HAS TO ask that within five minutes of conversation? Are we really that regressive that we still judge women by their sexuality? Why does it matter either way? When I bring these points up after being asked, I am told to “calm down” and that I am “overreacting.” Overreacting? Did I ask about your sexual status? Did I try and judge you solely by something that neither is your business nor your right to know?

So here I thought this dating site would be different. Here I thought that I would be able to find some men who were more enlightened. Not to say I haven’t has some decent guys message me. I have. Or I have, somewhat. So many are getting smarter, and will mask their misogyny by pretending to be interested in me, but then once we exchange numbers, turn it all around. Thank God for being able to block numbers.

Lastly are the Muslim guys who will flat out judge me for being on this site. Um, hello- you are as well! Why is ok for you and not me? For example:

TypicalGuy2: Why are you on here? (yes, his opening line)

Me: For the same reason as you, I suppose.

TypicalGuy2: Isn’t that inappropriate for someone like you?

Me: How so? I’m just trying to meet someone.

TypicalGuy2: Well, I’m just looking out for you, I don’t think it’s right.

Me: I don’t need you to lookout for me, I can take care of myself.

TypicalGuy2: So you’re being a bitch to me and I’m trying to help you. Nice.

Me: This conversation is over.

TypicalGuy2: Why? Because I was trying to be nice and you’re a bitch? That’s the thanks I get?

Me: Conversation is over.

He continues to message me, until I finally block and report him. As if I need harassment on top of his judgement. Seriously, what is wrong with you men?

Bottom line: using any online dating site leaves you to be disappointed. People are rarely who they say they are, their pictures are usually not current (or even of them), and every guy feels like a big man behind the screen- meaning he will harass, berate, or judge you if you reject his lame advances. You might ask why I continue to torture myself, and the answer is simple: it’s hard for me to meet people, regardless of all the traveling I do. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone and get to know them, and even meet up once we are both comfortable.

And, if nothing else, all these experiences make for a good blog post. So for now, I will continue to put myself out there, hoping that someday all my efforts and patience will pay off.

 

 

 

Forced to Marry

I see it every day, all over my newsfeed and social media: girls are forced into marriage. No, I’m not talking about overseas in some remote country. I am talking about here in the US.  You might be thinking “Jinan, you are CRAZY!” but let me explain what I mean.

I know women have the right to choose their partner in Islam. I know no one can actually force you to get married. However, culturally, I feel that we are still bound by the obligations passed down from one generation to another. Think about it: when a woman says she doesn’t want to get married, what is your first reaction? Probably horror. Or, let me put it this way: when you meet a woman and ask her age, what is your reaction if she is over 30 and still single?

I am not singling myself out in this post, although I do face both scenarios quite often. But I am trying to open your eyes to a bigger issue in our society- one where a woman’s marital status and her ability to bear children is valued more than anything else she can offer. Just scrolling though social media and seeing how many comments a woman gets when she posts an engagement or wedding picture versus one of her new promotion or a solo trip she’s taken is enough to prove my point. However, it doesn’t seem to be enough for people to be convinced that we- as a society- are obsessed with marriage.

That point alone could have been enough to push me away from that institution; yet I chose to still become a part of it at the age of 27, when I first got engaged. To be honest (and I didn’t admit this at the time), I didn’t want to get married. I did it because my parents were becoming more and more frustrated with me, I was close to thirty, and the guy seemed decent enough. Everyone I knew would always tell me they thought something was wrong with me because I just wasn’t jumping to get married. What can I say? I just felt like I wanted to be on my own, and that I’d never find a guy who could tear me away from my singleness.

So, I got engaged. I went through the motions, made everyone happy -and then just as quickly- disappointed everyone when I took off the ring and left it on the bathroom sink before work one day. It was just two months shy of our wedding day. Yet I felt freer than I ever had that day.

Of course, everyone told me that I shouldn’t give up, and that I needed to keep an open mind. So I did, and I entered into yet another serious relationship that would be the beginning of the demise of my character.

Our culture fails to understand that we of this generation are looking for more than just a man to support us. We want a partner, someone we can love and respect and build an empire with. This second relationship chipped away at my self-confidence over 9 months. By the end of it, when he decided he wasn’t ready to get married, I was the shell of a human being. I was devastated and went into a depression so deep it consumed me. I felt lost, confused, and unmotivated. I was sure no one would ever love me, and spent my days crying and wondering what was so wrong with me that no one wanted to marry me.

And that was it- the breaking point. I went to therapy, and she asked me “why do you feel you need a man to love you to make you feel valid?” And it was such a simple question. Yet all my life, I was taught that marriage is half my faith and my culture made me feel that without a man I was nothing. I mean, just look at the questions we are asked when we meet people: How old are you? Oh, are you married? Oh, why not? I mean, are we seriously validating a woman by her marital status?

So since that day in my therapist’s office, I have vowed to work on loving myself. I have thrown myself into work and activities, focused on my writing and activism, and learned to be alone. I have a great circle of friends, but they are all married. So to count on their company proved fruitless. I go to movies alone, I go to restaurants alone; hell, I even travel alone! It’s empowering and liberating, but even more so, it shows that a woman does not need a man in order to enjoy life. I am not saying I will never get married; but I will definitely be enjoying the journey until that happens.

Do I get questions from my family and friends? Always. Everyone is scared of the “single girl” especially when she is so content in her singleness. But no matter; I don’t let it bother me. I have learned to laugh it off, and to focus on what is important to me. The way I look at it is, this is my life. Not theirs. To live your life for others will mean you will never truly live. So be content in your choices, as I have become.

They won’t like it, but then again, who cares?

Blissfully Unaware

I always wonder what it would be like for me to live a life where I was blissfully unaware.

Don’t get me wrong; I love that my mind dissects every single thing I hear and see. However, sometimes I look at how easily people float through life and think to myself, “hey, that life doesn’t look so bad.”

You might want to know what brought this up. Well, after a long hiatus from writing (I was very busy with work and just returned from a trip to Turkey), I figured I’d jump back into writing, and this subject has been on my mind for a while.

I feel that sometimes my mind over thinks things, and it would be easier for me if I didn’t over-analyze everything I came across. For instance, any time I see an article about rape, feminism, or oppression, I have to respond. I just have to. I can’t just let the post go, and move on to the next article. Something in me just rises (usually disgust) and I feel that I have to give my opinion. I know I have alienated a lot of people in this way, but frankly, I don’t care. I have passion for certain subjects, and I feel that it is my duty to combat a lot of those subjects.

However, I also am referring to being unaware in relationships. At this point in my life, any time I meet a guy I can very easily dissect the things he says and does- to the point that I will no longer be interested. You know how some people have family and friends who point out the faults of their partner? I do that all on my own. Because I know precisely what I want in a guy, it is easy for me to pick him apart when one wrong thing is said.

I know I should be more understanding. I know I shouldn’t dismiss someone so quickly; after all I wouldn’t want that done to me, right? However, I feel that the things I get most upset about are things that are extremely important to me, and so if that is the point where I start to break him down, then he can’t be the right person for me. There are certain things in my life that I am unwilling to bend on, and it isn’t enough for me for him to be indifferent. No….he must share the same passion for them as I do.

Let me explain why. I am a very motivated, outgoing, and opinionated person. I know what I like, and what I want from life. It isn’t enough for me to have someone along for the ride. I need him to be there as my co-pilot. I don’t want him to just agree with me, or change his opinion for me. I want him to be just as passionate and filled with fire as I am. I don’t need someone to tell me to “calm down” when I get heated; I want him standing by me, supporting me and telling me I have every right to be upset.

To be blissfully unaware would make my life so much easier. I could get married, have a few kids, and spend my days fitting in things that are important to me- only when my kids and husband were already taken care of, and I had the energy to do so. I often express this sentiment to my friends, and they tell me not to think that way…that my life was meant for more than that. That the way I am is absolute perfection, and that I should never wish to not have my passion.

But sometimes it gets exhausting. I get tired of constantly having to explain myself to those around me. I get frustrated when people assume things about me because I’m a feminist (not to mention 33 and single). I get tired of the battle inside me- the back and forth of two sides, wanting to find that perfect partner for myself but unwilling to bend on my ideals. I wish I could just print out a flyer that lists all my interests and what I am not willing to bend on, and pass it out to everyone I know. That way people will stop sending me or matching me up with guys who I have absolutely nothing in common with.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I am willing to wait for that person. The one guy who will love me for who I am, without making me change a part of myself. At the same time, I am not putting my life on hold for that. I will work, and stay involved, and write my awesome blog and guest pieces for magazines. My life does not revolve around finding a husband. I am pretty sure my life was meant for more than that. At the same time, I want the guy to also have his own passions and ideals. It easier when two people are living their lives apart- yet at the same time- together.

I recently read an article titled “I Want to Be Single- But with You.” And the article made so much sense. The author says “I want to live a single life with you. For our couple life, would be the equivalent of our single lives today, but together.”

That is exactly what I want. As the author said- “One day I will find you.”

And I intend to.

I’m More than My Looks

This is a topic I’ve always wanted to explore, but have had a bit of hesitation as I am afraid of how people will perceive it. Too many times, women are admired for their outer beauty and the overall appearance they present to society…but as soon as they open their mouths and start talking about ambition and independence, people automatically get turned off. And I, for one, am sick of it. And I want to know why that is.

For the last few years, every time I relay my marital status to someone (which is frustrating in of itself that I am constantly being asked to present myself according to that), the very first thing they say (99% of the time) is: “Oh my God how are you still single? You’re so beautiful!” As if being pretty is the only requirement for getting married. As if men only look for outer beauty when looking for a mate. AS IF I, AS A WOMAN, only have my looks to offer someone.

Why is it, that when people hear I am single, they don’t cry: “Oh how is this possible? You are accomplished, intelligent, and ambitious…any man would be lucky to have you!” Why is it, that instead, they use those same traits to create an excuse as to why men DON’T marry me?

I have worked VERY hard to be the person I am today. I have also gone through a lot in life, and I believe it has made me a much stronger person. One who won’t take any bullshit from others. And I pride myself on knowing what type of partner I want in life. Is that so wrong?

Why should I just “let things go” and “not be so picky” just to satisfy the majority? Just because that makes you more comfortable and will safely nestle me into the society-accepted role of “wife” doesn’t mean that it is the best decision for all involved. You are uncomfortable with my singleness? Tough. I am uncomfortable with your single-mindedness; your unwavering ability to look beyond your box to see that there is more to a woman than a status; than her looks.

Maybe I’m not meant to be married. Maybe I think this way so that I can continue to go out there and make a difference in this world. Maybe my ideas about marriage are not conventional, but that just may be because times have changed, and so have the roles of women. Yet both men and women are staying in them because they provide a level of comfort and stability. Maybe living alone presents a fear in you so debilitating that you would rather be joined in matrimony with someone you tolerate, than live alone the rest of your life. Or maybe you truly believe in marriage. Either way, do not push your ideologies on me, and tell me that I am wrong for thinking this way.

The older I get, the more I feel that I truly could not be happy in a “traditional” marriage. And by that, I mean one that is based on dated roles where the wife is the main domestic character, and the male the hunter/gatherer. And while that may work for many, I know for a fact it will not work for me.

I want something bigger; I want something MORE.

I want someone who will look at me and be inspired. I want someone who will be proud of my accomplishments and will boast about them to everyone he knows. I want someone secure enough that he will not feel bad about supporting me in my travels and endeavors. I want someone who will give me the respect I deserve, and not place my life on the back burner as he goes on to live his life. I want an equal partner. 100%.

But most of all, I want someone who will see my heart, the depth of my soul, the kindness in my eyes, and the soft words that flow from my tongue, and believe those to be the most beautiful traits in me. That he will appreciate my delicate hands for the words they type, and my lips for the inspiring words they speak. That he will notice my strong, long legs, and appreciate the way they have held me up as many times as I’ve been knocked down by the trials of life. That he will see, in me, beauty. Beauty as a whole; the mix of emotions, struggles, and success.

That he will notice me- for more than just my looks.

A Numbers Game

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of seeing one of my really good friends Nabil. Every time I’m in the DMV area, he makes time to see me, but nothing compared to this time because when he showed up he was so deathly ill, I thought he was going to collapse right in front of me. However, he pulled through (because he’s awesome like that), and we had one of the best 3 hour dinners I have ever experienced with anyone. Forget the fact that he told me some news that shocked me into a frenzied state of mind (still shook up about that FYI). We ended up discussing- which we usually end up doing anyways- relationships.

As a trusted friend of mine, I have always turned to Nabil for advice and a male’s perspective. Even when I was engaged or going through a breakup. Knowing him for ten years has given me the comfort and ease of opening up to him, and he- in turn- is candid in his responses. So at one point during our conversation, I was telling him about my last attempt at a serious relationship, where I gave the guy 3 months to make the commitment. And Nabil told me something I never would have thought about. He told me that 3 months was way too long. Because as short as our life is, we cannot afford to spend 3 months with each person we meet. His theory is that once we meet a person, we know within 10 minutes if we want to see them again. And within 24-48 hours, we know whether or not we like that person. So, at most, we will know whether or not that person is a compatible match for us within a week. And at the end of that week, as a female, we cut the guy off. If he is serious, the guy will come knocking down the door wanting to be with you. If he doesn’t, hey- you only spent a week with that fool.

I stared at him, trying to figure out if he was being serious. (He was.) But as he went on, I realized that his theory made sense. Why do we always drag things out? Yes, it is important to find out each others likes and dislikes, but you will never fully know the person no matter how many months you date. So maybe the idea that we focus on the positives from the start and have pure intentions for a solid commitment are what we need in order to find that partner. Plus, as a female, it helps us weed out the assholes who are just using you.

So all of what he said to me that night resounded in my head all weekend. I kept turning it over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it. So if I met a guy today, I’d know in a week if I wanted a solid commitment with him? Could I really do that? And if I am doubting whether or not I could, wouldn’t that make ME the problem? Doesn’t that mean that I am the one running from commitment?

It’s true that I was the one who imposed a 3 month limit in my last relationship, but if the tables were turned, and he wanted to commit after a month, would I have agreed? That’s what scares me. Because I think I probably wouldn’t have. Because since then, I have had a few guys show their interest in a commitment, who in fact want to rush into an engagement almost right away, and I admit it scares the hell out of me. How can they be so sure about me? What if they find out my flaws and realize they made a mistake? I admit that I’m not an easy person to love. Not because you need to prove anything to me, but because I am so used to being on my own that I have a hard time letting someone love and care for me.

So, since Nabil told me I have nothing to lose, I plan on trying this new method. I just need to force myself into this state of mind that not every person will meet all my standards, but that I can overlook the not-so-important ones and focus on what really matters, which is (according to Nabil): physicality, religiousness, and character. All the other things are just minor.

After I made it back home from my vacation, I texted Nabil and he told me something that I will end with. He said: “It’s a numbers game. Just don’t hold on to one ticket too long. Keep swapping them out for newer tickets until one fits the bill.”

So that’s what I’ll do.

Baby Steps

The other day I was talking to my friends about my take on relationships. Apparently, I’m cold and unromantic because I think that certain things guy do are stifling and obnoxious. For instance, I don’t like it when a guy is completely adoring in the first few weeks of meeting me. I have my own life going on and can’t drop everything to talk on the phone multiple times a day. A guy who constantly praises my looks turns me off because I feel like after the first 20 or 400 times….I get it, ok? You think I’m pretty or whatever other generic term you like to use. I also find it odd when a guy is ready to spend money on me from the first time we meet or hang out….like, shouldn’t you know if I am worth the $50 you’re about to spend on dinner? I don’t mind if we go dutch the first few times until you’re positive you like me.

So is there something wrong with me thinking that way? My friends tell me over and over again that I push guys away with this type of thinking, but I really don’t know how to be that other type of girl. I can’t let a guy just wine and dine me because- let’s face it- this ain’t no movie and we’re not characters in The Notebook. (Excuse my English there, I just had to let that out)

The problem is, when a guy showers me with gifts and adoration, I feel that it isn’t genuine. Why? Maybe because I never experienced that before in any relationship and I feel like it’s just a ploy to get me to let me guard down and then break my heart. Maybe. I haven’t really thought about it that much. Haha. But seriously. I just feel like it’s so fake and just a show. But a lot of these guys are truly genuine, because once they realize I’m a cold bitch, they move on to wine and dine another girl I know and live happily ever after. So what I have realized is that I need to let go some of the previous relationship trepidation and allow a guy to treat me in the way he feels I deserve.

This isn’t to say that I will turn mushy and clingy and expect a dozen roses every month (I hate roses, such a typical choice. Surprise me with Casablanca lilies and we’ll talk). Or that I will let him pay every time we go out (and I won’t because I work too so why not?). Or that I will decalre my love for him on social media and stamp our date with those annoying marriage emoticons on my IG profile (seriously, just stop it girls. We know you’re engaged/married. We saw the bajillion pics you posted for the past 4 years.)

What I WILL do is allow a guy to tell me he likes me, call me, pay for me…on occasion. I will be charming and sweet, until he touches on one of my hot-button topics (like misogyny or hijab) or he says something that truly offends me (then the gloves come off). I guess it’s like I have reverted to my pre-adolescent stage and I need to start off the next relationship with baby steps until I feel I am ready to run right into his arms (which is SO cheesy that I’d never do it.) The truth of the matter is, I just turned 32, and honestly, I have too much potential as an amazing partner to let it go to waste being single. Call me arrogant, but hey, it’s the truth.

So, here’s to a new change in my life. Let’s pray that I don’t overdose on this and become one of those annoying girls we’ve all come to hate.

Stalker Problems

I’m sure you’ve all missed my matchmaking stories….it’s only been a couple weeks after all. Remember the guy in my last post? The one my dad showed me that night I got home from work? Well, I met him. Let me replay our conversation so you can be as uncomfortable as I was.  

Saturday night I was starting to do my closing duties at the restaurant. I had been through the longest day ever. My sister graduated college, but since my dad wanted to attend the ceremony I worked all day. My family was out celebrating all day while I was stuck at work. I couldn’t wait to finish up and head over to my cousin’s house for a small party for my sister.  

At 8:45, this guy walks in. I walk over to the deli, greeting him as I do all my customers. But something seems a bit….off. He’s staring at me, but that’s not what is unsettling. Usually customers will hold eye contact with me until I reach them, but they respond to my greeting as well. This guy, however, did not. He was just staring. So I ask him what I can help him with, and he just leers. I swear, that’s not an exaggeration. He is looking at me the same way I assume I look at food after a day of working hard. Which was how I was feeling at that moment. I was hungry, tired, and in no mood to deal with a creeper.  

Finally, he spoke. “I’m here to get to know you.” I looked at him with fear, disgust, and probably wariness. I said, “um, who are you?” because it seemed like he thought I should know who he was. Which I didn’t.  He then went on to say that he had talked to my dad recently and that my dad had sent him to see me. With every horrifying word that passed his lips, I became angrier with my dad. I was a ball of fury. I looked at the guy and told him that I didn’t know who he was and I had work to do before we closed. He asked my to sit with him for five minutes to talk, and I told him that I didn’t know him so no, I wouldn’t sit with him. All this time, he’s continuing to stare at me in that unsettling way.  

Finally, I told him to leave, because he just didn’t get it. He didn’t even seem fazed- he said that my dad had his number and that I should contact him once I talked to my dad. Yea, sure, whatever buddy. As soon as he left, I called my dad, barely containing my anger. I told him what happened, and he seemed genuinely shocked. He swore he never told the guy to come see me, and that he explained to him that I wasn’t interested and that I was moving in a few weeks. The guy asked what I did in the meantime, and my dad mentioned me working at the restaurant. But my dad SWEARS he never told him to come see me. So that made me even more disturbed by this; the guy basically stalked me. What the hell!  

I was fuming when I got to my cousin’s house, and she asked me what was wrong. So I told her. Her response was that I was harsh and rude, and that I shouldn’t have reacted that way, that the guy was coming in to get to know me and there was nothing wrong with that. She likened it to someone approaching a girl at the Starbucks they frequent. Well, that to me is different, because you have actually interacted with that person over a period of time. You have not stalked them at their place of work and used “I’m here to get to know you” as you’re opening line!  

I called a guy friend of mine that night on my way home and asked him if that was normal behavior. He laughed at first because apparently my story amused him….but once he was done chuckling he agreed that it was unusual and very disturbing for a guy to approach a girl that way. I felt validated in my reaction then, because honestly, it threw me off guard. I don’t mind a guy approaching me; in fact, I’ve had a lot of my customers ask me out after they’ve been in a few times. But their approach has always been respectful and conversational.  

Let’s just hope this guy got the hint and he doesn’t show up again at the restaurant. I kind of have the feeling that he might. And if he does, I can’t be held responsible for what happens. (Kidding. Sort of.)

Fixer-upper

Last night when I walked into the house after a long, exhausting day of furniture building, work, and a tedious workout, my dad calls me over. Without even a “hello” he pulls out his phone, scrolls through his gallery, and holds up a picture of a guy. He just held it up; no commentary, no explanation. So I was forced to ask “who’s that?” He replied, “someone who wants to meet you!” I looked down at the phone, back up to my dad, and simply said “no” and walked away.

Now, you might be thinking that is rude and disrespectful. On the surface it does seem to teeter on the edge of that assumption. However, if you have read any of my other blogs, you’d know that this isn’t an unusual occurance. My parents are forever trying to set me up. It’s exhausting dodging their advances. But last night really got to me because it made me realize that it will never matter what I accomplish on my own; if there is no man by my side I will never be successful in their eyes. I recently landed a job as the fundraising coordinator for the Syrian American Medical Society. I will be moving to Youngstown in a few short weeks. This is an amazing opportunity for me and I couldnt be more grateful. Yet my dad is trying to set me up with some guy who lives HERE.  

Tell me, what exactly does he think will happen? That the guy will move to Youngstown for me? That he will accept waiting to get engaged until I have settled into my new role, which could be months down the line? That he will support my new career and give me the space I need to settle in? Okay, yes, maybe just MAYBE I will get lucky and he will do all that. But that is a very slim chance. I prefer to go with the majority, which usually is what happens to me. I have yet to be in a relationship where the man fully supports me. And that is fine; I am perfectly content with supporting myself. However, please do not come to me just after reciving the best job offer of my life and throw a man into the mix. It’s just not going to happen.  

After my dad went upstairs to bed, my mom and I sat down to watch our usual late-night Arabic shows. Of course the topic of marriage came up, and she asked me why I didn’t want to meet the guy. I told her about having a new job and that it wasn’t something I could allow at the moment. And then I told her how I didn’t find the guy attractive. That may seem shallow to you, but before you judge me I’d like for you to consider who your spouse or partner is and just TRY to convince me that you don’t find them remotely attractive. Just try. Anyways, I told my mom he seemed very old-school and had no taste in fashion and that I was looking for someone more put together. My mom’s response was that I could always fix him up and make him look how I liked.  

This guy is 28. If he needs MY help this late in the game in order to look decent, then I definitely don’t need him in my life! Look, that explanation may have worked on me when I was 22, but it’s almost 10 years later and I need a guy who already knows how to get it together. I’m in my 30’s;  if I meet a guy now I don’t have the same time I would have had when I was in my 20’s to help mold a guy into the image I want. Is it too much to ask for a well-dressed, put together guy with his shit together? Sorry for the language, since I rarely curse, but it had to be said! I am tired of friends telling me “you can fix him after you’re married.” NO. No I will not, because I dont have the time to “fix” someone else. It’s taken me almost 30 years to become the kind of person I am content with- no way am I starting that with someone else.  

I know people will judge me because I mention looks are important,  but I know it is important to everyone. Otherwise we’d all have ended up with partners we’ve lusted after. That rarely every works out in our favor. And some of you might tell me that if I indeed want someone who looks a specific way that I should just change him into what I want. But you are missing the point. I shouldn’t have to change him. If I did he wouldn’t be himself. I want a guy who is already himself, someone who has worked on achieving his perfect self just as I have. And you can tell me to hold my breath because it’ll never happen, and I’ll tell you that I’m perfectly content living my life until he decides to appear. No way am I going to miss out on an amazing opportunity just because some guy wants to make an appearance in it right now.