jdeena

Never settle for what is…come tomorrow it will be what was

Tag: guys

Nice Guys Finish Last- Because They Want To

This isn’t going to be a nice post- not like any of mine usually are. But I am pretty wound up, and I’m feeling a rant coming on. So I, of course, want to share it with you, my loyal followers.

Every article about relationships lately seems to focus on the f*ckboys. You know these types of guys- the ones who seemingly use women just for sex, but mask it as a deep interest in her in order to achieve their goal. They act so sweet and understanding, and after they get what they want, they disappear. We hate these guys, right? They’re scum; they don’t deserve our time. So we dial up our girlfriends and rant. We cry and swear we are never going to talk to another guy like that. We promise each other to alert the other when they start to fall under their very effective spells. We take a deep breath, and vow to only go for nice guys from now on.

But…what if the nice guys are just as bad as the f*ckboys?

And trust me on this. They can be. Because while a typical jerk will make it known he only wanted you for the sex, a nice guy will pretend he doesn’t want it. But he does. Yes. He. Does.

The nice guy will try and talk you off the ledge after a jerk has hurt you. He will claim that you are too good for that kind of treatment, and that you need to stick to guys who truly care about you. Like him! He will tell you that you can open up to him, and tell him anything. He is your friend and shoulder to cry on. He will ask you to let down those walls so he can slide in and offer comfort, while secretly plotting his deceiving move. He gets you to trust him. He’s one of the “girls” so “tell me anything.”

So you do. You feel lucky to have someone like him in your life. You thank him and tell him just that. After a while though, the conversations start to shift. They’re starting to sound like the texts you get from f*ckboys. “Send me a pic” he says. And you’re confused because you don’t understand why he’s asking. You ask as much, and he says that he’s different, because obviously he’s spent months putting you back together after the last heartbreak. But when you refuse, he gets mad. He tries to make you feel guilty.

He asks again, and you still refuse. Now he’s angry. He starts accusing you of not trusting him. He points out how you sent pics to other guys who weren’t as deserving as him. You’re shocked at this behavior, and tell him as much. He stops talking to you for a few days, then comes back and asks again. Now you are angry. No longer confused. Because a pattern has started to develop. And the guy whom you thought was nice, is actually a f*uckboy himself.

Except this is worse. Because he played it off like he was a “nice” guy, but nice guys don’t do this. At least I don’t think they do. Right? Well, maybe they do. Maybe there is no such thing as an actual “nice” guy. Because at the end of the day, they all act the same, don’t they?

Nice guys just take a little longer to get there.

 

Advertisements

Hot and Cold

So, something that I experience regularly with guys that I meet is this “hot and cold” relationship. You know what I’m talking about. When the guy seeks you out, pursues you relentlessly, makes you take down those walls you’ve built from the last jerk who broke your heart….and then once he’s done ALLLLL that work, he flips. He disappears-POOF!

I can never know what the heck happens at that point. It’s usually about a month or so into the relationship, and I will have just become used to the idea that, yes- maybe I can get married! Maybe there is a guy who really gets me after all! Oh happy day!

But all that is short-lived, because once the guy sees me give in, he changes his mind. This always happens to me, and it is so frustrating. I even ask the guy to PLEASE just be honest with me and let me know if things don’t seem to go the way he was expecting, just so I have the courtesy of a proper breaking-up. No such luck. Maybe because I am so outgoing and opinionated, they fear a really bad confrontation. Either way, they do me the favor of trying to weed out the cowards myself. So thank you.

However, recently, I had a guy actually come back after a month or so and actually apologize- and get this- EXPLAIN why he did what he did! Woah. That’s a bit much to take in. But it was refreshing nonetheless. So here is what happened:

I get a Facebook message of “sorry” and a picture of a bouquet of flowers. I tell him “not accepted.” We go back and forth, and I tell him how hurt I was. I mean, he was showing he was head over heels for me, and then when I was in his city visiting and texted him, he ignored me. It was pretty shocking and disappointing.

So finally, finally, after asking him what happened, he admits it. He was scared. Now, I know we women think of this excuse as a cop-out with most guys. But I am going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He said that he was afraid of me coming into town, him falling even harder for me, and then me leaving. We live about a 7-hour drive apart. We have known each other for about 2 years now. We have stayed in touch this whole time, and he always told me I was the perfect woman for him, but I never believed it. But since I was going to be visiting his city, I wanted to see what was really there, so we made plans. But the plans never happened, because he bailed.

That got me thinking; is this what happened with all the other guys? Did they realize something and were just too afraid to tell me? And if so, why did they feel they couldn’t talk to me about it? Am I a big scary monster? Maybe, and I just don’t know it. However, I still don’t believe that as an excuse. I mean, one of my ex fiances did this same exact thing- no explanation, nothing. But this has become such a habit with guys that I meet that it has started to really grate on me. I mean, give me the courtesy of an explanation at the very least. Don’t I deserve that as a human being?

I don’t usually like to speculate, but sometimes I can figure out why a guy has disappeared, and it’s not always favorable. I just wish I could know what goes on in their head. Do they just wake up one day and say “yea…not in the mood to talk to Jinan. EVER.”? I mean, one guy went from skyping me 3 times a day for 2 weeks straight to not responding to my texts, and deleting me off of social media (which I figure is because he posted a pic with a girl shortly after haha). Another guy went from forcing me to talk on the phone (which I hate) twice a day to not answering my calls the day he didn’t call me on his way to work as usual. Literally: hot and cold.

So, what is it then? Is it me? Or are they not yet ready for a commitment? And if it IS that, then why do they force me to break down my walls and open my mind to a relationship, when they themselves don’t want it? Is it a game then? Do they want to see how many girls they fool into falling for them?

Whatever the case, I now know what could be the excuse, thanks to this latest revelation. Quite possible the guy was scared. Which is a lame excuse, but an excuse nonetheless.

Or, quite possibly (and more believable), he was an ass. Either way, I learned my lesson. The next time a “hot” guy comes charging at me, I’ll be sure to extinguish him with my “cold” heart.

Friend-zoned

So lately there have been blogs and posts about how guys get friend-zoned by their gal pals. “Friend-zoned” basically means that a guy wants to be more than just friends with a girl, but the girl treats him, well….basically like her best gay friend. But no one ever talks about the girl who gets friend-zoned. I never really thought about it until last week, when I asked a guy friend of mine why he never pursued anything with me. His answer: there was never a spark. Or, actually, there WAS a spark initially, but then it faded. In his words, he “tried to make it happen” but it never did.

That got me thinking. I experience this a lot more than I should. So it made me think about all the relationships I’ve had with guys over the years, mostly friendships. All my female friends find it so weird that I know so many single, good-looking guys, and have yet to start a relationship with one. So I asked them, one by one, why they won’t date me. They all said the same thing: there is no spark, no chemistry. When I ask them what they like about me, it’s always the same: cool, chill, no drama, funny, down-to-earth. They find me cute, adorable, sexy….never beautiful or pretty. That’s when it hit me.

I’ve been friend-zoned.

Everyone thinks it’s just the guys who get pushed aside to the “friend” area; not so. Apparently my carefree, fun, happy single self is a recipe for friendship, and not much else. While all these guys find me to be a great friend, they can’t see a future with me. Is it because my single lifestyle has them guessing whether or not I’d make room for them? (See previous blog post Making Room for a Man). Or maybe I’m too much for them (and I’ve heard this before as well). Too involved, too confident, too outgoing, too social, etc….I’m just “too much” of everything that I am proud of.

What, exactly, am I doing to push these guys away, or dim that spark? Should I be more demure, more mysterious, more subdued? Is my outgoing personality and confidence such a turnoff that guys can’t see past it to build a relationship with me? What, exactly, am I doing wrong???

I’m closing in on straight hysteria at this point. I don’t play games. I’m not going to act one way to please the male species because that’s what they want. I’m not going to act shy when I meet a guy for the first time. I’m not afraid to be the first one to initiate a meeting. I don’t shy away from the tough or taboo subjects. If this makes me a “friend” then maybe the guys I’m meeting are not strong enough to handle this version of me. Maybe I need to find a guy who welcomes a bright, lively, funny girl. I would never want a guy to pretend to be something he is not to impress me. The best version of you is when you are yourself. Playing games and putting on a facade are child’s play. We are too grown up for all that.

My friends and family wonder why I never tell them when I meet a guy. It’s because I know that after a few weeks of talking, he’ll disappear. I should start my own magic show. POOF! He’s gone, ladies and gentlemen. I never know why though. They just disappear, and I am left wondering- yet again- what I did to make him vanish as quickly as he had appeared. Some may think that all this rejection might wear on my confidence, but to be honest, I don’t care. Why? Because I don’t even know what I did wrong! If they attacked my character somehow, maybe I’d hurt a little. But I don’t even know what sends them running, so all I can do is laugh, keep an open mind, and move on.

The guy for me is out there, I know he is…and if he’s too afraid of me to approach me, then maybe I should just face up to my partner-less future now. There are worse things that could happen to me than me dying alone, right?

At least I’ll have a bunch of friends at my funeral.