jdeena

Never settle for what is…come tomorrow it will be what was

Tag: friendship

A Numbers Game

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of seeing one of my really good friends Nabil. Every time I’m in the DMV area, he makes time to see me, but nothing compared to this time because when he showed up he was so deathly ill, I thought he was going to collapse right in front of me. However, he pulled through (because he’s awesome like that), and we had one of the best 3 hour dinners I have ever experienced with anyone. Forget the fact that he told me some news that shocked me into a frenzied state of mind (still shook up about that FYI). We ended up discussing- which we usually end up doing anyways- relationships.

As a trusted friend of mine, I have always turned to Nabil for advice and a male’s perspective. Even when I was engaged or going through a breakup. Knowing him for ten years has given me the comfort and ease of opening up to him, and he- in turn- is candid in his responses. So at one point during our conversation, I was telling him about my last attempt at a serious relationship, where I gave the guy 3 months to make the commitment. And Nabil told me something I never would have thought about. He told me that 3 months was way too long. Because as short as our life is, we cannot afford to spend 3 months with each person we meet. His theory is that once we meet a person, we know within 10 minutes if we want to see them again. And within 24-48 hours, we know whether or not we like that person. So, at most, we will know whether or not that person is a compatible match for us within a week. And at the end of that week, as a female, we cut the guy off. If he is serious, the guy will come knocking down the door wanting to be with you. If he doesn’t, hey- you only spent a week with that fool.

I stared at him, trying to figure out if he was being serious. (He was.) But as he went on, I realized that his theory made sense. Why do we always drag things out? Yes, it is important to find out each others likes and dislikes, but you will never fully know the person no matter how many months you date. So maybe the idea that we focus on the positives from the start and have pure intentions for a solid commitment are what we need in order to find that partner. Plus, as a female, it helps us weed out the assholes who are just using you.

So all of what he said to me that night resounded in my head all weekend. I kept turning it over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it. So if I met a guy today, I’d know in a week if I wanted a solid commitment with him? Could I really do that? And if I am doubting whether or not I could, wouldn’t that make ME the problem? Doesn’t that mean that I am the one running from commitment?

It’s true that I was the one who imposed a 3 month limit in my last relationship, but if the tables were turned, and he wanted to commit after a month, would I have agreed? That’s what scares me. Because I think I probably wouldn’t have. Because since then, I have had a few guys show their interest in a commitment, who in fact want to rush into an engagement almost right away, and I admit it scares the hell out of me. How can they be so sure about me? What if they find out my flaws and realize they made a mistake? I admit that I’m not an easy person to love. Not because you need to prove anything to me, but because I am so used to being on my own that I have a hard time letting someone love and care for me.

So, since Nabil told me I have nothing to lose, I plan on trying this new method. I just need to force myself into this state of mind that not every person will meet all my standards, but that I can overlook the not-so-important ones and focus on what really matters, which is (according to Nabil): physicality, religiousness, and character. All the other things are just minor.

After I made it back home from my vacation, I texted Nabil and he told me something that I will end with. He said: “It’s a numbers game. Just don’t hold on to one ticket too long. Keep swapping them out for newer tickets until one fits the bill.”

So that’s what I’ll do.

Flirting with Danger

So, I started my new job this week! I absolutely love everything about it so far. My coworkers are amazing, the office is beautiful, and the work is fulfilling alhamdullilah. I’ve just been training the last two days, and will officially start on Monday. So this week has been pretty laid back.

Before I got to the office on Monday, I knew that I would be working with another guy on my events since it was too much work for one person during our upcoming Ramadan season. I was surprised though to find out that he was around my age. As soon as I walked into the office, there he was, his lean figure folded into one of the swivel chairs. He stood to greet me and I noticed that he was very tall, dressed well, and had an easy-going smile on his face. I was instantly attracted. Not to say that I had fallen head over heels (I’m not that type) but if I had to work with someone, I’m glad it was someone like him.

However, his personality ended up being more attractive than I imagined. We fell into an easy conversation and ended up liking the same things. I finally felt that there was hope in meeting a great guy, in my field of work- someone I can share my passions with and who would understand me too. All morning we shared a friendly back-and-forth banter. After work, we went out to dinner to talk more about the job and to get to know each other better so we could figure out how to split the workload we would be faced with shortly. He was polite, respectful, and ambitious. I found out his family owns a business and he was helping his father run it. He was unhappy in his current job and so he was grateful for this new position. We talked for hours. If I didn’t have my conference call at 9, we probably would have stayed even longer.

Except that at the end of our meal, he mentioned his fiance.

Yup, that’s right. You heard me. His FIANCE.

WHY. Why is it that every time I meet a great guy, someone I have dreamed of meeting, there is always a catch? And then the only guys I do meet who are single are guys I am not interested in? I can’t tell you how disappointing it is to try and keep an open mind in meeting someone when every time I do, they are already taken. Now, I know there are lots of great single guys out there, but it seems like they are not within my reach. 

What’s funny is, this guy actually wants to hook me up with his brother. Whom he says is nothing like him; in fact, he is the opposite. Shy, anti-social, and quiet. Ugh. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I need a counterpart. Someone who won’t think that I am “too much” of anything. 

After he told me he was engaged, I felt like I was in the danger zone. All the joking and ease of conversation now felt strained since I felt I had crossed a line. But it wasn’t my fault- he had withheld that information so I wasn’t the one at fault, right? But how do I continue to work with him, knowing that in my mind I find him to me perfect for me, and after such a great start? Lucky for me he will be working from Michigan and not from the office where I am located and so I won’t have to see him as much. But we will still be communicating every day, multiple times a day, and see each other at events.

The way I see this is that God wanted me to realize that there ARE great guys out there. Maybe this was just a glimpse inside what is to come. Maybe I will meet someone else within my field and this is just a way to get me to open up to the idea. Still, I can’t help feeling disappointed that yet again, the perfect guy was within my reach and- just as quickly- he was snatched away.

Sigh.

Forgiveness

As the year comes to a close, it’s always good to tie up any loose ends. In order to start the year anew, there needs to be no bad endings from the previous year. Keeping that in mind, I did something last night that has been on my mind for months.

I forgave someone who had deeply hurt me.

It wasn’t easy; I debated it for months. This person had a piece of my heart and was there for me in a time of great despair. I came to truly loved this person, and so when they abruptly left my life I went about thrashing like a child unable to swim caught in a tidal wave. I didn’t understand it at first. To be honest, I didn’t understand why until recently. You see, everything in life happens for a reason. Every relationship we have is meant to add some value to our lives. We may not reap the rewards of that value until much later; however the worth never changes.

I reached out to this person to show that I finally forgive them for the pain they caused me. I know we both acted childishly and so I wanted to clear the air and put it in the past. This person was a great friend to me and it made more sense to cherish that friendship then throw it away over something we both contributed to.

It’s rare that you can find quality people in your life. Be aware, however, that you should not allow people to take advantage of you just so you can forgive them. That’s not my point. I want you to realize that you shouldn’t throw people away over a mistake. It’s not fair. We are all humans; we all make mistakes. So you cannot judge someone, especially without knowing their intention. So give people the benefit of the doubt. Unless they truly use you and hurt you beyond repair, look to forgive them and give them a second chance.

I was relieved to see that my friend’s response was the same as mine. I know I feel even better knowing that I mended a valuable friendship, all before the end of this year. As we head into 2013, I see nothing but good things ahead for us.

So, thank you, for this forgiveness.