Here is my latest video on my channel: Depreciating Value. Enjoy!
Here is my latest video on my channel: Depreciating Value. Enjoy!
I was on Twitter today, and saw a guy tweet the following:
“Teach your daughters to keep their virginity until marriage. Even on products it’s written ‘do not purchase if seal is broken.'”
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT?!
Sorry for the profanity, but seriously. Seriously. SERIOUSLY people! Who talks like that anymore? Who equates women and their virginity to seals on products, like a box of fucking Cheez-Its? It is so disturbing. Demeaning. And the thing is, these men (and some women) think it is perfectly normal to base a woman’s moral compass on whether or not she is a virgin. Since when did a woman’s virginity determine whether or not she is a good person? Yet I hear it over and over again.
Guys I meet online are quick to ask if I’m a virgin in the first few minutes of us corresponding. I ask why it’s important to know; they say it isn’t. Yet they continue to push for an answer that I refuse to give them. Not because I am ashamed, but because it’s none of their damn business. How is that a concern so early in the conversation? Maybe down the line before an engagement or we’ve talked for more than 5 minutes, I might answer it. I MIGHT.
It’s not just the men who shame women for losing their virginity. How many times have we seen women shamed by women in real life, and in movies, books, etc.? Remember the movie Easy A with Emma Stone? Her best friend turns on her, calling her names and distancing herself. But why? Why is it such a bad thing for a woman to enjoy sex? It’s HER body and HER life. What she does with it has no bearing on anyone else. Yet women will slut-shame other women with ease. Whether it is because they themselves are virgins and can’t understand, or they are envious of a woman having that kind of control over her own sexuality- these women serve as the fuel for men to continue to judge a sexually active woman.
I have heard many guys talk about how they want to marry a woman who preferably hasn’t slept with any guys, because her giving her virginity to him is the most precious gift, and he wants to be the only one to receive it. (I literally just gagged typing that, and my fingers felt weird typing that out. Ew.) It’s like they fetishize virginity; it’s gross. Honestly, what guy wants to be the one to create that pain for a woman? What type of guy gets off on something like that? I’ll tell you who- the guys on dating sites looking for a “good” Muslim girl aged 20-25, when he himself is pushing 40. FUCK THAT. You’re a disgusting pig.
Parents who teach their boys to want a virgin, and the ones who teach girls they are worthless if they are not: just stop it. You are creating issues within our community that are the cause of relationships falling apart so quickly. Guys have unrealistic expectations, they shame a woman, and then spread it around town and ruin the woman’s reputation. Girls who are taught sex is bad are shamed to the point they don’t know what sex is and what happens, so come the wedding night she is literally terrified of her husband. She sees sex as a shameful, dirty thing, which then creates issues between her and her husband. I’m not saying let people run around and have sex, but properly educate your children on sex and answer their questions. Don’t let them feel ashamed.
Also, a woman being sexually active does not mean she should be susceptible to rape. Just because she has sex with multiple guys, it DOES NOT MEAN she should be blamed when she is raped. Sex without consent is RAPE, plain and simple. If she consents to sex with 100 guys and at 101 she refuses, IT IS HER RIGHT.
One more time if you didn’t get it:
IF A WOMAN CONSENTS TO SEX WITH 100 MEN AND AT 101 SHE REFUSES, IT IS HER RIGHT.
Not sure why how many sexual partners a woman has had has anything to do with whether or not she should have been raped. No guy has the right over any woman’s body, whether that man is her boyfriend, friend, husband, or stranger. If she says no, she means no. So let it go.
Lastly, stop objectifying women. Stop correlating our virginity to broken seals, flowers, wrapped gifts. Stop comparing covered and uncovered women to lollipops, pearls, chocolate. And for the love of God, stop treating women like sex slaves, auctioning us off to the highest bidding suitor based on our age and virginity status. This shit happened hundreds of years ago. Not now. Not anymore.
Women are more than just their sexual status. It’s about time we got rid of these backward ways and embraced a more open, judgement-free outlook.
I am exhausted.
Months have turned into years as I have struggled to change the perceptions of men in regards to the women in their lives. I have debated married men on why it is NOT ok for them to call their wives nags. I’ve had to correct young guys on comments they make about women’s clothing. I’ve had to tirelessly fight with my male friends on their stereotypes and misinformation of women.
And I am just.
What is it about our society that allows men to feel entitled to thinking and acting with no regard to women’s feelings? And some will actually defend themselves, telling me they were raised this way and nothing will ever change them. It frustrates me so much when someone says that to me. That they can’t change, and I can’t expect centuries of teachings and societal norms to change overnight. That I should adapt myself to how things are because I’m just one person, while they are millions.
I never thought I’d have to experience this first-hand. And then this happened.
The other day, I was asking my (male) friend why another (male) friend has recently been acting aggressively towards me. We used to be fine; laugh and joke, text, go out to grab coffee or whatnot. But lately he has been very mean, calling me names, telling me to shut up when I talk. So my friend said: “Jinan, remember when a couple months ago I asked why **** has started become a little too touchy-feely with you? And you talked to him and told him to stop and that you didn’t welcome that behavior?”
I looked at him through narrowed eyes and said “Yeah…so?”
He replied, “Well, he’s probably mad you said that to him and is acting out. You can’t really blame him, you gave him an open door for that behavior early on so he has every right to be mad.”
I looked at him, my mouth gaping open, and said “Are you really blaming me right now for him treating me like shit?!”
“Well, you are pretty flirty with a lot of people, so he thought he could approach you that way and when you rejected him he felt like you were playing him all along” he said.
I was in absolute shock. Stunned. Did I just get blamed for being a friendly person? And then get blamed for telling a guy that his behavior was unwanted? What the hell was happening!
I was being victim blamed.
I don’t think that had ever happened to me before. As I sat there, trying to go over every interaction I had ever had with ****, I suddenly snapped out of it and turned on my friend.
“HOW DARE YOU blame me for this! I never gave any indication that I was interested in ****, and even if I was and I changed my mind, he has NO RIGHT to treat me this way just because he feels rejected.”
He said, “Well maybe you should change the way you act, so this doesn’t happen again.”
There it was. Full-blown victim blaming. Nothing about how **** should change HIS behavior. Always on the woman to change things so she doesn’t suffer the wrath of an insecure, jilted man-boy. And people tell me this doesn’t happen anymore. Ha.
I told my friend “why don’t you tell HIM to not treat me like shit instead of telling me to change my ways. That sounds like more of the right thing to do.”
His reply, “Well, it’s just easier if you change. Because other guys will think the same way **** did, and you can’t change all those guys. You’re just one person. And they’re…well, millions.”
There it was. The reason why things would never change. Why I feel like all my fights for gender equality and breaking down gender walls was all for naught. If my own friend, a guy who has an open mind about SO MUCH, could still view this issue through the eyes of our grandparents….what was I doing really? What had I actually changed?
I told my friend that if he actually talked to **** and told him that his behavior was wrong, not mine, then that was how things would change. The fact that he resorted to asking ME to change, instead of chastising **** was a prime example of why things never WOULD change. But they COULD, if only the narrative would shift from blaming the woman to blaming the man.
Yet no matter how I tried that night, my friend was not convinced. And so, I picked myself up and walked the walk of hurt, feeling his eyes on my back as I retreated, defeated back to my life as a victim of blame.
My only crime? Being myself. In a world where if that does not fit what a man wants you to be, can be used against you. Over and over again.