Never settle for what is…come tomorrow it will be what was

Month: February, 2016

Sexism and Misogyny Have No Place Here

“Can you cook?”

That was the opening line a guy sent me on an online dating site this week. I had to blink a few times and rub my eyes to make sure I was reading it correctly. But yes, there it was- those three words constituted his start to our conversation.

Of course, as a feminist, I did not appreciate the question. I replied, “Can you?” to which he replied, “It’s not my job.” Well, that did it; I was officially pissed off. I went off on him in a calm but aggressive manner. He didn’t reply.

You might think this is a one-time occurrence, but it seems that there are many males who feel that it is a woman’s responsibility to excel at domestic tasks in a relationship. Just look at all the memes that suggest women should be good cooks in order to be desirable to a man. Unfortunately, many don’t realize the danger in doing so.

We have just started 2016, and women are still being held hostage by the gender roles of more than a century ago. You would think that in an election year that has a viable female candidate, outdated gender roles would have no place in society. Yet it seems that we are regressing. Because women finally have a voice, many have been trying to hold us back from pursuing any societal accomplishment that will leave us on equal footing with the men in our lives.

Can I be honest with you? I am so sick and tired of having to fight off sexist, misogynistic comments from guys who think it’s funny to provoke me. People wonder why I’m not married yet. Chances are, if he is accomplished, intelligent, and funny, he doesn’t want someone like me who is more ambitious and driven. So many men want a woman who will stay a few steps behind him, or at the very most be right next to him. But what I need is a man not afraid to let me go far ahead- way far ahead of him- and what’s more, he’ll be proud to watch me go.

When people ask me what I want in a man, I tell them it’s simple: I want someone who will support me in all my endeavors, just as I will support him. Long gone are the days where a woman gives up her career to move where the man lives. Gone are the days where she abandons her future goals to tend to her husband’s career. No, nowadays there needs to be mutual respect on both parties in order to have a successful relationship.

Being able to have a relationship with someone who supports you is one of the best feelings (or so I’ve heard!). In a way, it’s like living two separate, single lives- but together. Yes that probably won’t make much sense to you, but think about it. Each person will live their life in a carefree way, but with the love and emotional support from someone like-minded.

Some people may call me selfish. Actually, many people do. Yet no one ever calls the male selfish when he wants to focus on his goals and provide for his family. Why not extend the same respect to women who have the same goals? I’ll tell you why. Because society is afraid of progression. They are afraid that if they let women do what they want- which we deserve- then society will crumble. Yet the solution is so simple. Men should carry some of the weight off women’s shoulders in order to create a balance.

Give it up people- this is the future. It’s easier to just give in at this point. And women will never truly progress without the support of our male allies.

Forced to Marry

I see it every day, all over my newsfeed and social media: girls are forced into marriage. No, I’m not talking about overseas in some remote country. I am talking about here in the US.  You might be thinking “Jinan, you are CRAZY!” but let me explain what I mean.

I know women have the right to choose their partner in Islam. I know no one can actually force you to get married. However, culturally, I feel that we are still bound by the obligations passed down from one generation to another. Think about it: when a woman says she doesn’t want to get married, what is your first reaction? Probably horror. Or, let me put it this way: when you meet a woman and ask her age, what is your reaction if she is over 30 and still single?

I am not singling myself out in this post, although I do face both scenarios quite often. But I am trying to open your eyes to a bigger issue in our society- one where a woman’s marital status and her ability to bear children is valued more than anything else she can offer. Just scrolling though social media and seeing how many comments a woman gets when she posts an engagement or wedding picture versus one of her new promotion or a solo trip she’s taken is enough to prove my point. However, it doesn’t seem to be enough for people to be convinced that we- as a society- are obsessed with marriage.

That point alone could have been enough to push me away from that institution; yet I chose to still become a part of it at the age of 27, when I first got engaged. To be honest (and I didn’t admit this at the time), I didn’t want to get married. I did it because my parents were becoming more and more frustrated with me, I was close to thirty, and the guy seemed decent enough. Everyone I knew would always tell me they thought something was wrong with me because I just wasn’t jumping to get married. What can I say? I just felt like I wanted to be on my own, and that I’d never find a guy who could tear me away from my singleness.

So, I got engaged. I went through the motions, made everyone happy -and then just as quickly- disappointed everyone when I took off the ring and left it on the bathroom sink before work one day. It was just two months shy of our wedding day. Yet I felt freer than I ever had that day.

Of course, everyone told me that I shouldn’t give up, and that I needed to keep an open mind. So I did, and I entered into yet another serious relationship that would be the beginning of the demise of my character.

Our culture fails to understand that we of this generation are looking for more than just a man to support us. We want a partner, someone we can love and respect and build an empire with. This second relationship chipped away at my self-confidence over 9 months. By the end of it, when he decided he wasn’t ready to get married, I was the shell of a human being. I was devastated and went into a depression so deep it consumed me. I felt lost, confused, and unmotivated. I was sure no one would ever love me, and spent my days crying and wondering what was so wrong with me that no one wanted to marry me.

And that was it- the breaking point. I went to therapy, and she asked me “why do you feel you need a man to love you to make you feel valid?” And it was such a simple question. Yet all my life, I was taught that marriage is half my faith and my culture made me feel that without a man I was nothing. I mean, just look at the questions we are asked when we meet people: How old are you? Oh, are you married? Oh, why not? I mean, are we seriously validating a woman by her marital status?

So since that day in my therapist’s office, I have vowed to work on loving myself. I have thrown myself into work and activities, focused on my writing and activism, and learned to be alone. I have a great circle of friends, but they are all married. So to count on their company proved fruitless. I go to movies alone, I go to restaurants alone; hell, I even travel alone! It’s empowering and liberating, but even more so, it shows that a woman does not need a man in order to enjoy life. I am not saying I will never get married; but I will definitely be enjoying the journey until that happens.

Do I get questions from my family and friends? Always. Everyone is scared of the “single girl” especially when she is so content in her singleness. But no matter; I don’t let it bother me. I have learned to laugh it off, and to focus on what is important to me. The way I look at it is, this is my life. Not theirs. To live your life for others will mean you will never truly live. So be content in your choices, as I have become.

They won’t like it, but then again, who cares?