Laughing It Off
by jdeena
This past weekend I attended my good friend’s son’s wedding. It was such a fun wedding and we had a blast dancing and seeing some old friends. It was a traditional Palestinian wedding, so I knew that being single would be cause for conversation with some of the older crowd.
I was sitting at the table with my friends, a young couple, and the husband had brought his mother. She was the typical older Palestinian mom, and I loved hearing her accent because it reminded me of my own family. She had a woman about her age sitting next to her (I assume a lady she knew). After we all had settled in at our table, she asked her son who my friend and I were. He introduced us, and right after that she asked me “Are you married?” I told her no, I wasn’t, and she said that I “looked like” I was married. I asked her if that meant I looked older or what, and she said no, she just thought I was married. I told her no, I wasn’t, and so she asked me how old I was. I told her 33 (I will be in a few weeks anyways), and she jumped. She was so shocked I said that, but not because she thought I looked younger than that.
No….she proceeded to say “no, no, we don’t want someone that old, we want five kids!” I was confused at first, but then it dawned on me: she thought that because I was single, that meant automatically that I wanted to get married. LOL….I literally laughed out loud. I died. I looked at her and told her, no, I actually don’t want to get married, but thank you anyways. She asked me why, and I told her I was happy in my life and had a good job, and it wasn’t something I wanted right now.
She seemed to think I was lying, but the woman next to her told her that it was perfectly okay for me to want that and to be happily single. THANK YOU strange woman sitting at our table!
It wasn’t until I told my mom that story later on (and she laughed until she had tears in her eyes) that I realized something: usually a comment like that would have had me feeling offended. I’d have felt inadequate somehow, like it was my fault to be this old and still single. But I didn’t care. I laughed…and it felt good to not be bound by those thoughts or expectations. For the first time that I can remember, I felt free and happy, even with that comment directed at me.
That made me feel even more confident about the decision I made just 4 years ago. The promise I made to myself after my last major relationship ended was to work on myself and to become confident and independent. There is no validation that feels better than knowing that I am happy with being alone. It doesn’t mean I want to stay that way forever, but in the meantime, I can enjoy my own company and not feel like something is missing.
So that’s today’s lesson, ladies. Get to the point in your life where- as a single woman- you can laugh it off when people call you old, or tell you that you will not be able to have so many kids at your age. Honestly, it is the only way to deal with a situation like that. Besides, who wants to be miserable all time anyways? Laughter really is the best medicine.
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It applaud you for not being offended! I am 29 and I feel like I still have a lot of catching up to do in life but am working hard to make up for it to be settled financially and with my career etc. IT’s hard to do the math and think where I’ll be in X years, now that I am thinking about going back to school. Also, considering that I am no where near getting married as I am not looking lol
I feel like the problem in our communities is that even if a woman is successful at standing on her own 2 feet and can take care of herself, she is beneath somebody who decided to get married young and will always be considered behind them in this game of life. Even though I feel like going from the parents’ house straight to marriage is the easiest thing because you never had to be self sustainable. At times I can’t help but feel self conscious from hearing replies like you recalled, even though I can successfully put up a great front to show that I don’t care. I think this stems from actually wanting to have a marriage.
I feel like in the real world my accomplishments can be impressive but when it comes to our arab families etc. they actually become a con and dare I say shameful? Just because we aren’t married yet.
thank you for sharing your story! I hope I get to the point where I can laugh it off like you:)
I am feeling much the same way. I don’t want a marriage. I want to work on myself and become someone I can be proud of- I want to go back to school for a post-bac or masters, I want to backpack (like really rough it out there), I want to learn to kayak, I want to get a job I love instead of the one I’m stuck with, I want to make enough to actually support myself and have a little to save, I want to become vegan, and I want to become a better muslim. All of these things are doable, but they are going to take time, dedication, and hard work. And a marriage would stand in the way of that. It’s not what I want for my life, at least at this point.
I’m confident in my choice until I am around Arabs. I don’t feel bad about my decision, I feel bad about the way they look down on me. It’s not the “something must be wrong with her” type of reactions, it’s the “poor her” ones.
So I’m trying to distance myself from people lately. I can’t have that negativity holding me back.