Hot and Cold

by jdeena

So, something that I experience regularly with guys that I meet is this “hot and cold” relationship. You know what I’m talking about. When the guy seeks you out, pursues you relentlessly, makes you take down those walls you’ve built from the last jerk who broke your heart….and then once he’s done ALLLLL that work, he flips. He disappears-POOF!

I can never know what the heck happens at that point. It’s usually about a month or so into the relationship, and I will have just become used to the idea that, yes- maybe I can get married! Maybe there is a guy who really gets me after all! Oh happy day!

But all that is short-lived, because once the guy sees me give in, he changes his mind. This always happens to me, and it is so frustrating. I even ask the guy to PLEASE just be honest with me and let me know if things don’t seem to go the way he was expecting, just so I have the courtesy of a proper breaking-up. No such luck. Maybe because I am so outgoing and opinionated, they fear a really bad confrontation. Either way, they do me the favor of trying to weed out the cowards myself. So thank you.

However, recently, I had a guy actually come back after a month or so and actually apologize- and get this- EXPLAIN why he did what he did! Woah. That’s a bit much to take in. But it was refreshing nonetheless. So here is what happened:

I get a Facebook message of “sorry” and a picture of a bouquet of flowers. I tell him “not accepted.” We go back and forth, and I tell him how hurt I was. I mean, he was showing he was head over heels for me, and then when I was in his city visiting and texted him, he ignored me. It was pretty shocking and disappointing.

So finally, finally, after asking him what happened, he admits it. He was scared. Now, I know we women think of this excuse as a cop-out with most guys. But I am going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He said that he was afraid of me coming into town, him falling even harder for me, and then me leaving. We live about a 7-hour drive apart. We have known each other for about 2 years now. We have stayed in touch this whole time, and he always told me I was the perfect woman for him, but I never believed it. But since I was going to be visiting his city, I wanted to see what was really there, so we made plans. But the plans never happened, because he bailed.

That got me thinking; is this what happened with all the other guys? Did they realize something and were just too afraid to tell me? And if so, why did they feel they couldn’t talk to me about it? Am I a big scary monster? Maybe, and I just don’t know it. However, I still don’t believe that as an excuse. I mean, one of my ex fiances did this same exact thing- no explanation, nothing. But this has become such a habit with guys that I meet that it has started to really grate on me. I mean, give me the courtesy of an explanation at the very least. Don’t I deserve that as a human being?

I don’t usually like to speculate, but sometimes I can figure out why a guy has disappeared, and it’s not always favorable. I just wish I could know what goes on in their head. Do they just wake up one day and say “yea…not in the mood to talk to Jinan. EVER.”? I mean, one guy went from skyping me 3 times a day for 2 weeks straight to not responding to my texts, and deleting me off of social media (which I figure is because he posted a pic with a girl shortly after haha). Another guy went from forcing me to talk on the phone (which I hate) twice a day to not answering my calls the day he didn’t call me on his way to work as usual. Literally: hot and cold.

So, what is it then? Is it me? Or are they not yet ready for a commitment? And if it IS that, then why do they force me to break down my walls and open my mind to a relationship, when they themselves don’t want it? Is it a game then? Do they want to see how many girls they fool into falling for them?

Whatever the case, I now know what could be the excuse, thanks to this latest revelation. Quite possible the guy was scared. Which is a lame excuse, but an excuse nonetheless.

Or, quite possibly (and more believable), he was an ass. Either way, I learned my lesson. The next time a “hot” guy comes charging at me, I’ll be sure to extinguish him with my “cold” heart.

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