Online Dating Woes

by jdeena

So I have dabbled a bit in online dating here and there for the past 8 years. I initially joined one site just to network and meet people, and that proved to be fruitful. I am still great friends with a lot of the guys and girls I’ve met. Recently however, I activated my profile on Arab Lounge. Ok, so yes; you can tell just from the name of the site what kinds of people I will deal with. The thing is, this is not a social networking site; it’s strictly for dating. You can’t post blogs, you can’t friend people, and as a female, I am only accessible to males and vice versa.

So I am constantly getting messages from guys who find my profile “interesting.” Such a vague term. And when I click to see their profile, we have so much NOT in common that I wonder what it is that they find so interesting. I kept my profile short and sweet after a male friend read my previous profile and deemed it too aggressive. (There it is again, I’m “too” something. Sigh). So my profile just says that I want to meet someone, get to know each other, and see where it goes. Casual. Down-to-earth. Simple.

So please explain to me why I get marriage proposals within the first message I’m sent?

Can someone please explain to me where all the normal guys are? The following are excerpts from messages I have received:


“You are my goddess, please let me marry you.”

“I am your slave.”

“Can we marry? I make you much happy.”

“You’re face is like the moon.” (So, pasty and round?)

“Why do you only want tall guys?” (From a guy who was 5’4″. I’m 5’9″)


I get a few guys that just send “hi.” And a few that write me their life story. But I never get the guy who is nonchalant, collected, and just NORMAL. Is it that these guys online have no social graces that they resort to online dating because they can hide behind a screen? Look, people. I’m trying to keep an open mind that I will meet a great guy. But these idiots are making it very hard for me to keep that faith alive.

I know that at 32 I’m not going to get the pick of the gene pool lottery. That’s my punishment for waiting so long I guess. Although, in all fairness not meeting the right guy earlier is definitely not my fault. I did try; it just wasn’t meant to be I guess. So now the question is, do I continue this madness, or do I delete my online account and wish for someone to cross my path someday? On the one hand, it is amusing to receive these messages. On the other, it is discouraging and a waste of my time.

I guess only time will tell. On another unrelated note, last night I hung out with my coworker. Yes, the same one from last week. Just so you know, I am a very ethical and moral person. I would never act in a way that is inappropriate with someone who is engaged. I made sure his fiance knew we would be hanging out before we went out. I don’t ever want to be in a position where the guy lies to his girl just to hang out with me.

So anyways, we went to Pittsburgh yesterday because he’s never been and he wanted to see the stadium and all that hype. The weather was nice and we ended up having dinner by the water. Perfect setting…except I was with an unavailable guy. But he seemed genuinely interested in talking and getting to know me. We got on the subject of relationships and I asked him, from his POV as a male, why he thinks I have not had any success in relationships. He told me that my personality was great- I am fun, lively, bold, independent….but that when I meet a guy, I shouldn’t show that all at once. He said, and I quote, “don’t show too much of that right away. It’ll scare some guys.”

There it is again. That phrase, “too much.” Always too much of this, too much of that. I will never escape it! Of course, once he said that, I became defensive and combative. He told me that for a guy like him (meaning a coworker and friend) my behaving that way is fine. But for someone who I am in a relationship with it may come off as being aggressive. So basically I need to change myself when I meet someone, and lay it on them slowly, over time.

Is that right? Should I do that? I’m asking all you guys out there. If I did take his advice, won’t the guy later on realize that I was maybe hiding or holding back a big part of who I am? I don’t think that I could do that. Plus, I’d feel really awkward trying to hold back a part of me as I’m getting to know someone. Sounds cliche, but if he can’t appreciate all of me upfront, he doesn’t deserve me.

But that is exactly what I’ve done online. To the virtual world, I am not my typical self. I have scaled my profile way back so that I can appear as normal (relative term) as the other females online. Is that right? Should I showcase all of me right away, or should I take my friend’s advice and wait to show it?

I am so confused. Sigh.