jdeena

Never settle for what is…come tomorrow it will be what was

Month: May, 2014

Online Dating Woes

So I have dabbled a bit in online dating here and there for the past 8 years. I initially joined one site just to network and meet people, and that proved to be fruitful. I am still great friends with a lot of the guys and girls I’ve met. Recently however, I activated my profile on Arab Lounge. Ok, so yes; you can tell just from the name of the site what kinds of people I will deal with. The thing is, this is not a social networking site; it’s strictly for dating. You can’t post blogs, you can’t friend people, and as a female, I am only accessible to males and vice versa.

So I am constantly getting messages from guys who find my profile “interesting.” Such a vague term. And when I click to see their profile, we have so much NOT in common that I wonder what it is that they find so interesting. I kept my profile short and sweet after a male friend read my previous profile and deemed it too aggressive. (There it is again, I’m “too” something. Sigh). So my profile just says that I want to meet someone, get to know each other, and see where it goes. Casual. Down-to-earth. Simple.

So please explain to me why I get marriage proposals within the first message I’m sent?

Can someone please explain to me where all the normal guys are? The following are excerpts from messages I have received:

 

“You are my goddess, please let me marry you.”

“I am your slave.”

“Can we marry? I make you much happy.”

“You’re face is like the moon.” (So, pasty and round?)

“Why do you only want tall guys?” (From a guy who was 5’4″. I’m 5’9″)

 

I get a few guys that just send “hi.” And a few that write me their life story. But I never get the guy who is nonchalant, collected, and just NORMAL. Is it that these guys online have no social graces that they resort to online dating because they can hide behind a screen? Look, people. I’m trying to keep an open mind that I will meet a great guy. But these idiots are making it very hard for me to keep that faith alive.

I know that at 32 I’m not going to get the pick of the gene pool lottery. That’s my punishment for waiting so long I guess. Although, in all fairness not meeting the right guy earlier is definitely not my fault. I did try; it just wasn’t meant to be I guess. So now the question is, do I continue this madness, or do I delete my online account and wish for someone to cross my path someday? On the one hand, it is amusing to receive these messages. On the other, it is discouraging and a waste of my time.

I guess only time will tell. On another unrelated note, last night I hung out with my coworker. Yes, the same one from last week. Just so you know, I am a very ethical and moral person. I would never act in a way that is inappropriate with someone who is engaged. I made sure his fiance knew we would be hanging out before we went out. I don’t ever want to be in a position where the guy lies to his girl just to hang out with me.

So anyways, we went to Pittsburgh yesterday because he’s never been and he wanted to see the stadium and all that hype. The weather was nice and we ended up having dinner by the water. Perfect setting…except I was with an unavailable guy. But he seemed genuinely interested in talking and getting to know me. We got on the subject of relationships and I asked him, from his POV as a male, why he thinks I have not had any success in relationships. He told me that my personality was great- I am fun, lively, bold, independent….but that when I meet a guy, I shouldn’t show that all at once. He said, and I quote, “don’t show too much of that right away. It’ll scare some guys.”

There it is again. That phrase, “too much.” Always too much of this, too much of that. I will never escape it! Of course, once he said that, I became defensive and combative. He told me that for a guy like him (meaning a coworker and friend) my behaving that way is fine. But for someone who I am in a relationship with it may come off as being aggressive. So basically I need to change myself when I meet someone, and lay it on them slowly, over time.

Is that right? Should I do that? I’m asking all you guys out there. If I did take his advice, won’t the guy later on realize that I was maybe hiding or holding back a big part of who I am? I don’t think that I could do that. Plus, I’d feel really awkward trying to hold back a part of me as I’m getting to know someone. Sounds cliche, but if he can’t appreciate all of me upfront, he doesn’t deserve me.

But that is exactly what I’ve done online. To the virtual world, I am not my typical self. I have scaled my profile way back so that I can appear as normal (relative term) as the other females online. Is that right? Should I showcase all of me right away, or should I take my friend’s advice and wait to show it?

I am so confused. Sigh.

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Flirting with Danger

So, I started my new job this week! I absolutely love everything about it so far. My coworkers are amazing, the office is beautiful, and the work is fulfilling alhamdullilah. I’ve just been training the last two days, and will officially start on Monday. So this week has been pretty laid back.

Before I got to the office on Monday, I knew that I would be working with another guy on my events since it was too much work for one person during our upcoming Ramadan season. I was surprised though to find out that he was around my age. As soon as I walked into the office, there he was, his lean figure folded into one of the swivel chairs. He stood to greet me and I noticed that he was very tall, dressed well, and had an easy-going smile on his face. I was instantly attracted. Not to say that I had fallen head over heels (I’m not that type) but if I had to work with someone, I’m glad it was someone like him.

However, his personality ended up being more attractive than I imagined. We fell into an easy conversation and ended up liking the same things. I finally felt that there was hope in meeting a great guy, in my field of work- someone I can share my passions with and who would understand me too. All morning we shared a friendly back-and-forth banter. After work, we went out to dinner to talk more about the job and to get to know each other better so we could figure out how to split the workload we would be faced with shortly. He was polite, respectful, and ambitious. I found out his family owns a business and he was helping his father run it. He was unhappy in his current job and so he was grateful for this new position. We talked for hours. If I didn’t have my conference call at 9, we probably would have stayed even longer.

Except that at the end of our meal, he mentioned his fiance.

Yup, that’s right. You heard me. His FIANCE.

WHY. Why is it that every time I meet a great guy, someone I have dreamed of meeting, there is always a catch? And then the only guys I do meet who are single are guys I am not interested in? I can’t tell you how disappointing it is to try and keep an open mind in meeting someone when every time I do, they are already taken. Now, I know there are lots of great single guys out there, but it seems like they are not within my reach. 

What’s funny is, this guy actually wants to hook me up with his brother. Whom he says is nothing like him; in fact, he is the opposite. Shy, anti-social, and quiet. Ugh. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I need a counterpart. Someone who won’t think that I am “too much” of anything. 

After he told me he was engaged, I felt like I was in the danger zone. All the joking and ease of conversation now felt strained since I felt I had crossed a line. But it wasn’t my fault- he had withheld that information so I wasn’t the one at fault, right? But how do I continue to work with him, knowing that in my mind I find him to me perfect for me, and after such a great start? Lucky for me he will be working from Michigan and not from the office where I am located and so I won’t have to see him as much. But we will still be communicating every day, multiple times a day, and see each other at events.

The way I see this is that God wanted me to realize that there ARE great guys out there. Maybe this was just a glimpse inside what is to come. Maybe I will meet someone else within my field and this is just a way to get me to open up to the idea. Still, I can’t help feeling disappointed that yet again, the perfect guy was within my reach and- just as quickly- he was snatched away.

Sigh.

Stalker Problems

I’m sure you’ve all missed my matchmaking stories….it’s only been a couple weeks after all. Remember the guy in my last post? The one my dad showed me that night I got home from work? Well, I met him. Let me replay our conversation so you can be as uncomfortable as I was.  

Saturday night I was starting to do my closing duties at the restaurant. I had been through the longest day ever. My sister graduated college, but since my dad wanted to attend the ceremony I worked all day. My family was out celebrating all day while I was stuck at work. I couldn’t wait to finish up and head over to my cousin’s house for a small party for my sister.  

At 8:45, this guy walks in. I walk over to the deli, greeting him as I do all my customers. But something seems a bit….off. He’s staring at me, but that’s not what is unsettling. Usually customers will hold eye contact with me until I reach them, but they respond to my greeting as well. This guy, however, did not. He was just staring. So I ask him what I can help him with, and he just leers. I swear, that’s not an exaggeration. He is looking at me the same way I assume I look at food after a day of working hard. Which was how I was feeling at that moment. I was hungry, tired, and in no mood to deal with a creeper.  

Finally, he spoke. “I’m here to get to know you.” I looked at him with fear, disgust, and probably wariness. I said, “um, who are you?” because it seemed like he thought I should know who he was. Which I didn’t.  He then went on to say that he had talked to my dad recently and that my dad had sent him to see me. With every horrifying word that passed his lips, I became angrier with my dad. I was a ball of fury. I looked at the guy and told him that I didn’t know who he was and I had work to do before we closed. He asked my to sit with him for five minutes to talk, and I told him that I didn’t know him so no, I wouldn’t sit with him. All this time, he’s continuing to stare at me in that unsettling way.  

Finally, I told him to leave, because he just didn’t get it. He didn’t even seem fazed- he said that my dad had his number and that I should contact him once I talked to my dad. Yea, sure, whatever buddy. As soon as he left, I called my dad, barely containing my anger. I told him what happened, and he seemed genuinely shocked. He swore he never told the guy to come see me, and that he explained to him that I wasn’t interested and that I was moving in a few weeks. The guy asked what I did in the meantime, and my dad mentioned me working at the restaurant. But my dad SWEARS he never told him to come see me. So that made me even more disturbed by this; the guy basically stalked me. What the hell!  

I was fuming when I got to my cousin’s house, and she asked me what was wrong. So I told her. Her response was that I was harsh and rude, and that I shouldn’t have reacted that way, that the guy was coming in to get to know me and there was nothing wrong with that. She likened it to someone approaching a girl at the Starbucks they frequent. Well, that to me is different, because you have actually interacted with that person over a period of time. You have not stalked them at their place of work and used “I’m here to get to know you” as you’re opening line!  

I called a guy friend of mine that night on my way home and asked him if that was normal behavior. He laughed at first because apparently my story amused him….but once he was done chuckling he agreed that it was unusual and very disturbing for a guy to approach a girl that way. I felt validated in my reaction then, because honestly, it threw me off guard. I don’t mind a guy approaching me; in fact, I’ve had a lot of my customers ask me out after they’ve been in a few times. But their approach has always been respectful and conversational.  

Let’s just hope this guy got the hint and he doesn’t show up again at the restaurant. I kind of have the feeling that he might. And if he does, I can’t be held responsible for what happens. (Kidding. Sort of.)