by jdeena

So lately there have been blogs and posts about how guys get friend-zoned by their gal pals. “Friend-zoned” basically means that a guy wants to be more than just friends with a girl, but the girl treats him, well….basically like her best gay friend. But no one ever talks about the girl who gets friend-zoned. I never really thought about it until last week, when I asked a guy friend of mine why he never pursued anything with me. His answer: there was never a spark. Or, actually, there WAS a spark initially, but then it faded. In his words, he “tried to make it happen” but it never did.

That got me thinking. I experience this a lot more than I should. So it made me think about all the relationships I’ve had with guys over the years, mostly friendships. All my female friends find it so weird that I know so many single, good-looking guys, and have yet to start a relationship with one. So I asked them, one by one, why they won’t date me. They all said the same thing: there is no spark, no chemistry. When I ask them what they like about me, it’s always the same: cool, chill, no drama, funny, down-to-earth. They find me cute, adorable, sexy….never beautiful or pretty. That’s when it hit me.

I’ve been friend-zoned.

Everyone thinks it’s just the guys who get pushed aside to the “friend” area; not so. Apparently my carefree, fun, happy single self is a recipe for friendship, and not much else. While all these guys find me to be a great friend, they can’t see a future with me. Is it because my single lifestyle has them guessing whether or not I’d make room for them? (See previous blog post Making Room for a Man). Or maybe I’m too much for them (and I’ve heard this before as well). Too involved, too confident, too outgoing, too social, etc….I’m just “too much” of everything that I am proud of.

What, exactly, am I doing to push these guys away, or dim that spark? Should I be more demure, more mysterious, more subdued? Is my outgoing personality and confidence such a turnoff that guys can’t see past it to build a relationship with me? What, exactly, am I doing wrong???

I’m closing in on straight hysteria at this point. I don’t play games. I’m not going to act one way to please the male species because that’s what they want. I’m not going to act shy when I meet a guy for the first time. I’m not afraid to be the first one to initiate a meeting. I don’t shy away from the tough or taboo subjects. If this makes me a “friend” then maybe the guys I’m meeting are not strong enough to handle this version of me. Maybe I need to find a guy who welcomes a bright, lively, funny girl. I would never want a guy to pretend to be something he is not to impress me. The best version of you is when you are yourself. Playing games and putting on a facade are child’s play. We are too grown up for all that.

My friends and family wonder why I never tell them when I meet a guy. It’s because I know that after a few weeks of talking, he’ll disappear. I should start my own magic show. POOF! He’s gone, ladies and gentlemen. I never know why though. They just disappear, and I am left wondering- yet again- what I did to make him vanish as quickly as he had appeared. Some may think that all this rejection might wear on my confidence, but to be honest, I don’t care. Why? Because I don’t even know what I did wrong! If they attacked my character somehow, maybe I’d hurt a little. But I don’t even know what sends them running, so all I can do is laugh, keep an open mind, and move on.

The guy for me is out there, I know he is…and if he’s too afraid of me to approach me, then maybe I should just face up to my partner-less future now. There are worse things that could happen to me than me dying alone, right?

At least I’ll have a bunch of friends at my funeral.