Full Circle

by jdeena

My life has seemed to come full circle again.

I thought I had gotten past this hump. I spent all my energy and passion into becoming something great….someone great. My whole life I had always fallen short. Just barely first place in Arabic school, almost student of the year, just shy of graduating high school with honors, not quite finishing college. I loved my most recent job. I loved it to the point of obsession. I lived, breathed, and existed solely for that job. I felt useful for once in my life.

And then, as it always does, I blinked one day and it was gone. The devastation hit me so hard my foundation crumbled. So much so that I am still looking for the pieces to rebuild. The heaviness I carry inside has weighed me down deeper into a depression I’ve never known existed. Where I once had a purpose, a role. …I now feel like all is lost. The one thing I had ever been good at in my life is now nothing but a fading memory.

So of course, with all this time home my parents have resumed their matchmaking antics. I can’t even begin to describe the disdain and contempt I feel. Because I am now jobless, marriage is the solution. Unfortunately for them, I have not changed and therefore will not fall prey to their games.

This has created a bit of animosity; them because they are frustrated that I’m so “picky,” and me because they just don’t get it: that’s not what I want! How little they know me. It’s a shame really….you’d think my own parents would want me to end up with a great guy. All they bring me are scraps….as if being 31 means I don’t deserve the best anymore.

So, here I am. Back again to where I started. All I have for now is my bed, my trusty Kindle, and you, cyberspace. My thoughts are both my comfort and my enemy. Only time will show what my outcome will be.