Giving In

by jdeena

This post isn’t meant to point fingers at anyone. My intention is not to single anyone out nor hurt anyone’s feelings. That being said, I also want you to know that I strive to be honest in my blog as this is the only place I feel that I can do that. So please respect that, and just know that I pull a lot of my subjects for my blogs from daily interactions. If you are lucky enough to be in my social circle, you may have inspired one of my posts :).

So here’s the thing. I was thinking about this yesterday. Like really thinking about it. I’m 30. I have a great job that I absolutely love. I have amazing coworkers. My friends could use some improvement though, but I blame my lack of to the fact that I’m never home anyways. My family is mostly supportive. When I say that I don’t do it to be mean. I know they love me. They just haven’t always agreed with the paths I’ve chosen, especially since those paths never led to marriage.

I’ve realized lately that I’m alone. Just like everyone predicted. All my friends are married with kids. They have their lives. I’m single and wanting to live a little. I cannot continue to sit at home on the weekends because no one is free due to family obligation. I am tired of trying to plan something only to see it fall through. Look, I understand this is life. I know this is what we were meant to do.

So, I give up.

I’ll do it. I’ll get married, have kids, and be domesticated. I’ll quit my job and tend to my husband’s needs. I’ll sacrifice my free time to take my kids to after school activities. I’ll lose my hobbies, give up sleeping in on the weekends, and save my money for my kids’ needs instead of a cute new pair of boots. I’ll grow weary of the mundane tasks presented to me in my new life. I’ll resent the decision I’ve made every day for the rest of my life….

….but I’ll do it. Because you were right. I am alone.

What people don’t understand is, I don’t care about a wedding. I don’t want to “fall in love,” I don’t want the politics that come with a marriage. What I want is a companionship. What I need is a mutual respect for my career. I want someone who already has a sense of self so they feel no need control me. I want someone secure enough to say they enjoy my companionship but can just as easily let me live my own life.

So, if you can find this person, by all means send him to me. Because I am tired. Tired of being picked on for thinking differently. Tired of being told I am incomplete until I find a man to complete me. I want to be able to find the one who will support me as I am, and would never ask me to change. Call me a pessimist, but I don’t think that guy exists.

So until then, I will read my books, write my blog, do my work…all in a fabulous pair of boots that I didn’t need to sacrifice for something else.