Conflicted

by jdeena

So it’s 1:30 in the morning and I am browsing through Facebook- stalking, if you will. I am checking out pictures, and for some reason (probably to torture me), every other picture is of some girl with her husband, fiance, or children. Now, I have said this before and I will say it again: I am happy for those who have found The One. I commend you for taking that leap of faith and entrusting your life with someone who has promised to always take care of your heart. It is a huge step; one that I don’t think I could do right now.

But I can’t deny the fact that it just annoys the hell out of me when I see that sh*t!

I admit there are times (namely at 1:30 in the morning) when I feel a bit of sadness as I scroll through these pictures. I know that I am not at a place to be in a committed relationship, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss talking to that one person in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep or being able to have someone who will make me smile on a bad day with a nice text or voicemail. I admit it; we all need that attention from the significant other. It makes us feel desirable, appreciated, and loved. I am one who can say that I am content with the person I am, and I am not looking for a guy to complete me because I am whole on my own. But having someone there to do things with and talk to would be nice.

Sometimes I feel like I should just give in a get married, and maybe I will get used to it and adapt to that lifestyle that I cannot fathom living. Maybe having kids won’t be so bad. Maybe losing a part of myself to compromise with my husband won’t sting as bad. After all, many around me have done it and survived. Every day (and I mean EVERY DAY), I lay awake before bed and imagine my life as a married woman and mother. Most of the time I fall asleep content, but sometimes I lie awake until exhaustion settles in and I fall into a fitful sleep filled with nightmares and random scenes that leave me breathless when I wake up.

It would be easy to live my life as I wish…if I wasn’t Muslim Arab. Unfortunately, my culture and religion dictates that my life is not technically mine to live, and I must allow my family and community to weigh in on my life. As much as I am told it doesn’t matter if I get married, it seems that it does because if I don’t, in ten years I will be left alone while everyone I know who is near and dear to me moves on with their life.

So, the question is, do I concede now and get married even though it is not my desire, just so I can avoid the pain of being alone in the future? Or do I stay true to myself and live my life as I wish and hope for the best?

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