Back when I was a child, my parents told me that I had a very hard time expressing my emotions. I suppressed my true feelings behind a wall and stone-cold expressions. I didn’t like showing emotion; to me emotion equaled weakness. Someone tells me bad news and I’d reply coldly. I would do something bad and show no remorse, even though deep down I knew I was wrong. I never cried. I wasn’t affected by movies or real-life emotional situations. I was a rock and nothing could move me.
As I grew older, my personality didn’t change. My friends laughed at me and said I had no heart when I proclaimed that the movie The Notebook was unrealistic and waste of two hours. I never shared with people how I felt after a rough time. I always felt the need to put on a mask and pretend everything was perfect. I didn’t do this to be difficult; in fact, I yearned to express myself like everyone else. It made me stand out more than I already did to act this way. I can’t remember how or why I started this trait, but as time went on I resembled a ticking time bomb…at any minute, I was going to explode.
What happened? In the span of 3 years, my whole structure was attacked. It may be because it happened so quickly and in such a short period of time that I was affected so strongly. Eventually, I crumbled under the pressure. And all the years of resentment, betrayal, disappointment, and hurt burst out of me like a broken dam. I could no longer hold in my emotions. And what did I see once the water had subsided? A weak woman. I loathed myself for allowing emotions to get the best of me.
You may say I am being hard on myself, but you have to remember that the one thing I have always prided myself on was my strong personality. I don’t let anyone bother me. I was gossiped about continuously through high school and college and nothing altered me. So to have worked through all that just to become unhinged in the end created a lot of self-doubt and disappointment.
Now, any little thing can make me cry and I detest it. I am trying to recondition myself to not be so easily affected by emotional situations. Recently, I was betrayed by a very good friend and my first instinct was to cry and wallow in my pity. However, my old conscious made an appearance and I gathered my emotions and channeled them into other activities. I will not allow others to break me down with their deceiving ways, and I refuse to allow myself to fall again.
I am rebuilding the wall around my heart. Yes, I will keep good things from happening to me, but more importantly I will keep the bad away which to me is a more precious entity than anything else.