by jdeena

Am I bad a person?

Do I deserve for people to treat me with disrespect? Do I deserve to be humiliated and shamed? For those of you who have known me my whole life, you might say yes, I do. This can be based on certain assumptions you have made about my life from my actions. A lot of times I make decisions selfishly with only my happiness and security in mind. I do feel though that I give myself to my friends and I can be a very sturdy rock to lean on. I have had friends go through many life-altering events and I have held their hand every step of the way, even though I was not given the same attention when I needed it. I like to think of myself as a good friend, and I don’t just tell people what they want to hear; I tell them the truth.

I was betrayed by a really good friend of mine. Someone who was going through a very hard time and I was there every step of the way: through the tears, the move back home, the nights of loneliness and self-doubt. Seeing this friend in so much pain caused me pain, because we were so close it was like we were one person. I gave a lot of my personal time and even time dedicated to others for this friend so that I could help them through this hard time. Nothing meant more to me than their happiness.

Why am I such an easy target for betrayal? I am always open and giving and I don’t expect anything in return. I feel that being a good friend is worth more than anything else in this world, and if I am able to accomplish that, than I have done well for myself. Yet time and time again I am shown that I am not worthy of these friendships, and after I have given all I can I am cast aside. I am used by these friends to get through a rough patch and once they can stand on their own I am forgotten, like last year’s spring wardrobe.

I was visibly upset by this betrayal, and someone told me that the reason this particular friend dropped me is because I have unrealistic expectations for my friends. I make everyone around me feel that the way they think is wrong and I am right. I scare people away because they feel like they cannot live up to my expectations and I try to control every situation like it is my own. I don’t feel this is true. For example, if my friend escaped a situation because they were unhappy and sought out my support, I would give it to them. My #1 priority is their happiness, no matter what the cost. So what if that friend decides to go back into that situation? Am I supposed to sit idly by and allow them to enter into an unhappy life? If I am, then I am wrong then, because I could never allow that.

I know I lost this friend because I told them if they ever went back I’d never speak to them again. I only said that because I saw how horribly it hurt them the first time, and as a good friend I could not allow it again. This friend seemed to take my words literally however, because they cut off communication with me and deigned to tell me, so I had to find out from a third party. Now I wonder how happy they will be in this life they once abhorred, and if they will ever admit fault when they realize it’s not what they want.

Why do I care so much? Maybe I expect more of my friends. I like to think that I surround myself with intelligent, rational people. No one with an ounce of intelligence would ever go back into a situation that once made them unhappy. You might argue that people change, but the way I see it is that if you are born with a bad trait you cannot magically remove it overnight. My friend fell under the pressure of their family; I am sure of it. I find it sad that one would sacrifice their happiness to please others, or out of fear of nothing better coming along.

I guess the only thing I can do is learn from this and move on. Never let anyone close enough to my heart, so that when they finally brandish the knife of betrayal the wall I have built will have saved me from the excruciating pain I suffer from now.