Wired Wrong

by jdeena

There must be something wrong with me.

I have to be wired differently, or maybe the one time I was electrocuted it rearranged the signals in my head so that it made me resistant to relationships and marriage. Not resistant exactly…but hesitant. I don’t know what it is but it doesn’t matter who I meet, I always have that little nagging thought in the back of my mind that something better could come along. No matter how hard I try to accept that what I have in front of me is great, I still wish for something more.

It’s like nothing can please me.

Lately I have started to feel more and more sure of myself as a single woman, and I am truly happy. I had gone through a period of time where everyone around me was pressuring me to meet people and they tried to convince me that the only way I would ever be happy was if I got married. They would say things like “How do you not want to get married? That’s not normal!”

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that everyone else’s definition of normal trumps mine.

Could it be based on the fact that I was disappointed every time I opened my heart? Or is it a much simpler explanation, like maybe I am just not meant to be married? I know everyone will say that when the right guy comes along he will change my mind, but remember, I was engaged and so I did think that the right guy had come along. And yes, you will say maybe then he wasn’t the right guy, but at what point do we stop waiting for the “right” guy? Is there even such a thing anymore? Because I have friends who were married then divorced, and they had thought they had found the right guy.

It seems that in life, as Muslim women, our time revolves around finding the “right” guy. And if this guy doesn’t even exist, why settle? When people ask me why I am not married (which comes up as soon as they know I am almost 30, can’t deny that), I tell them the truth. And when I tell them, they start their lectures on why it is important to get married and how I must be picky and that I never should have waited so long to start my search. Seriously? I was not on the hunt for the perfect pair of jeans…finding a life partner is not that simple!

The best is when  people will say “Oh but you are so beautiful, and it’s such a shame you are not married.” Um, what? What do looks have to do with marriage? Just because I am blessed with good looks doesn’t automatically make me a candidate for marriage. Gone are the days of trophy wives. You don’t automatically get the right guy just because you’re pretty.

I also love when people will gossip that something must be wrong with me, like I have a terminal disease or my body is disfigured. Or psychologically I am unstable. I laugh out loud at these assumptions. I mean since when did a single girl translate into hideous creature? I am perfectly healthy alhamdullilah and there is nothing wrong with me except for the fact that people treat me like a leper. If you don’t want to know my opinions then do not ask me why I am still single. It is that simple!

I have just started to figure out what I want in my life. I am happy with my free time, I love my job, and I am passionate about writing and have started a book that I hope will be published this year. I want to travel, and I want to be there to support my friends in all of their life successes. I could never do that if I was married. I know marriage is about compromise and I will admit, I don’t want that right now. I like how things are and I want to continue to do what I have started.

Maybe I will regret the decision down the road.

But remember, I am not wired like you, so maybe I won’t even notice.